four.

...is the number of times i broke down in sobs today. triggered by trivial things and also not-so-trivial things.

i owe it to myself to try to analyze why. i am not confident i can get to the bottom of it. i am confident it will be jumbled. but i know this grief is poisoning me.

i cannot say for sure, but i think i am triggered when i am faced with people living life - even fictitious people on tv. i feel sad because my life is exactly the same. every day is groundhog day. it has been for years. i feel guilty. because i am wallowing when i have so much at my fingertips...and so much potential for more right within my grasp - if only i would reach. i feel guilt for wasting away. and doing nothing to try to stop it.

i fear, though i am not ready to admit it as truth, that i am in complete sacrificial mode. since when have i never wanted to be married, never wanted a family, shunned my closest friends and shuttered at the idea of my family? i think out of the need for survival it is as if ive started shedding life dreams as childish wants and unattainable goals...as if i were drowning in the ocean, weighed down by a million anchors - my hopes and dreams - and the only means to survival is to lose the weight...to lose that which is killing me.

i think i sob because i have never in my life felt so alone. so utterly discarded, abandonded, disposed and frogotten. and not just by one. by ALL. including me. and i cant get out of this quicksand of self pity because i am in utter disbelief and shame that for 32 years of living - it feels like not one person cares that i am drowning. and beyond even caring...it is as if no one even knows. should i have to ask every single day for someone to help me up? is that what people do? i am so embarassed to be weak that i cannot ask for help? i don't think it is a fear of weakness. i think it is a fear of (further) rejection or quick dismissal. i have reached out. and i have been repeatedly let down. by everyone.

i havent talked to megt, tara, kopko, etc. in months. i havent called. they havent called. iris, megt and tara shot around some emails and cc'd me. i didnt respond. they all did. no one asked why. chris is back to playing happy surfer doc. such a good friend but only in waves. guess that can be said of all of us. it certainly is true of me.

i was shamus's kickstand for two weeks straight. happily. because i could relate to his pain. and sure, enough, his lasted 2 weeks. and now it is return to bliss. i cant help but feel a little angry and used. i was being a friend because he felt he had no where to turn to. 12 calls a day; even more texts; all reassuring him he would work it out. and he has. but i gave him a glimpse of my hell. he lived it for 2 weeks. ive been living it for almost 9 months. dont tell me what a good friend i am. dont take from me if you cant give friendship back. i am so sad i let that take 7 years of my life. not because he is not a good person. because he is. he is a great person. i love him as family. but it wasn't love. it wasn't right to take that time and to give that time. it just wasn't right. especially knowing all along that it wasn't bliss.

as much as i am pushing my parents...how can they not be pulling me? i find it alienating that my mom asked me in september - point blank to my face if i was happy. i was so caught off gaurd i immediately broke down. i just said 'no, mom. no i am not happy. not even close. and i dont want to talk about it'. and her repsonse was 'but i want you to be happy - what can i do?'. and never again have we broached the subject. i think i resent them for who i am. for who i am not. it's not their fault, i know. everything i have, dont have and everything in between is all my fault. i KNOW this.

i really just want a hug. it sounds so incredulous, but i actually flinched the other day when i accidentally touched someone's hand because i do not have human touch other than hand shakes at work. i cry, sob, audibly sob, all the time. and i just want someone to hug me. it's not natural to deal with so much grief alone. it's making me crazy. literally. crazy.

trust is shattered. as a human quality i no longer trust. this shouldn't be a revelation - but for some reason it hit me the other day and i was surprised. when people talk, i generally think anything coming out of their mouth is a lie. doesn't matter who is talking. it is compounded if it is a man. i cannot believe i am turning into one of those hateful woman. i am a trainwreck of a lifetime movie.

i got challenged for displaced hate. that's true. it is displaced. but for a long time i pretended to like this woman who i didnt. she was cold and rude the first time i met her. years later was not cold, but was dismissive. when i went completely exposed to try to talk - i was met with evil. i cant argue it wasnt deserved. but up until that point, i made an effort to never use slanderous words about her. but after - all bets were off. i never used an agressive word with or towards her. what i can hate is that her actions dont speak to love. you dont deface and slander someone you love - no matter what. one thing ive realized is that in life, there are generally good-hearted people and not-so-good hearted people. oftentimes, the good hearted make very bad decisions and therefore get labelled bad. oftentimes, the not-so-good hearted people make seemingly good decisions..and therefore are labelled as such. i think i have a big heart. i think hers is small and dark. there is a very clear way to determine where people fall: those who hurt people intetionally and those who dont. niether is desirable - but i can always hold my head up high knowing i have never in my life maliciously hurt people. so, yes, that bitch can rot in hell. she is taking just to take. she is taking just to hurt. she is taking just to control.

him? where does he fall? i'm not sure. i cant quite figure out good heart or black heart. maliciously causing pain or unintentional? i just dont know.

i am thinking about having a funeral. to burn every flower petal, note, journal, email entry, im, photo, book...every trace of a life that he is determined to erase and i am determined to hold on to. i will mourn those things...my stomach is queasy just thinking about being without those sources of comfort. but they are a web of lies and pain and empty promises. they are enabling to hold on to the fiction of the deceit that i thought was love.

maybe i am anti-marriage, kids and family because i dont see much of a future for myself anymore. maybe i just dont want it to be a hope anymore because there is a real possibilty it wont happen. i can only imagine a life with one. one spineless fuck who already took everything he needed and wanted from me and then left me for dead.

if only i could disappear for a while. and this time for more than 3 weeks. at least i could clear my head of this wretched life i have created. part of me doesn't even think i love this person anymore. how could i? he's shut me out. what is there to love? i know nothing about him or his life. how could i love someone who could treat everyone in his life like shit? how could i love someone who can live with that witch? how could i love someone who says he can be nothing but a dad, but cherishes every moment he has for 'free time' to drink beer? how can i love someon who wants his kid to have a family - but considers family sleeping in separate rooms? her going out and him babysitting and vice versa? independent lives but dependent parenting? can i possibly love this? can i possibly respect this? in the end, does it really matter? it is not my business after all. and frankly, dont i have just as long of a list of really pathetic qualities that no one can love? sure i do. because no one does. no one even really likes. but in the end, i cant help but feel it is my business. because he is my perfect match. and of course i love him. every flaw i see, is loved just as much as every perfection. just as much as those boyish hands, the mole on his stomach, the deep forehead wrinkle, the gray eyebrow hairs, the perfectly shaped legs, the voice, the way he accepted me like no one every has, that look in his eye.

i am not going to wake up alone for much longer. if i have to put on a fake persona everyday to hide my tortured soul - at least i should do it with company.

this is just not working.

i am going out of my mind.

with anxiety.
with hatred.
with spite.
with jealousy.
with anger.
with a black, black heart.

i can taste the anger in my mouth. i am fighting myself not to lash out in irrational ways. i am angry at everyone.

i am frogotten. by everyone. i cant get out of this madness.

i hate you.

i frogot something.

i told myself i would try to include one small happy thing - however big or small each day. yesterday my happy was that i didn't wear undies all day long and it was AWESOME.

i need more days like that.

the rest of the day was shit. but at least my junk was happy.

revert.

it is another beautiful breezy morning. but nothing about it feels happy. one step forward, three steps back. i feel miserable and depressed today. my heart hurts. i dont feel like i can get out of bed. but im sure i will, because i also dont feel like i can make it through any day...and unfortunately for me...i always seem to.

a.m.

a tiny snippets of happy:
waking up to a cool breeze, diffuse sunlight through white sheer billowy curtains, crisp clean sheets that still smell like laundry...next step to complete this relaxing morning: go make some exquisite coffee (yay saturday = no shitty office coffee) and devise a plan to stop waking up alone.

stars.

i think love feels as grand as if someone hands you a box of stars. those tiny little twinkling dots in the sky that you have stared at for your whole life. those little flickering hopes in the sky of a brighter tomorrow...

every minute with loml is another tiny star to put in my box of memories.

or so i thought.

but when i peek in the box, all i see are snuffed remnants of tomorrows that will never be and fiery burny embers of pain that will hold eternal...

no one ever tells you that they very thing you wish upon to make all your dreams come true, is really something that will rape you of everything you ever hoped for.

why no fmh?

why havent i found it. it is because with every passing day - my fate is sealed. and more hours are put between now and forever.

it is safe to say a broken heart never picks up the pieces.

out of sight out of mind. he doesn't even dare to dream...

what happened to present.

ihad a very weird dream last night. and the night before. and these dreams have haunted my waking hours. i think they have made me realize that i no longer have daydreams and hopes, only living nightmares and endless despair. these shadows have erased my future hopes. for almost all of my life since i can remember, i lived with hopes of the future - to the point of really only living for the future. and then, for one brief and fleeting moment, one short period of time i had the overwhelming feeling that the future had come. but in the blink of an eye - that feeling had fled. and now i am stuck longing for what has past. i have missed living in the present. and now, i have no desire for the future. i lived for the future. i long for the past. i loathe the present. it actually doesn't even feel like that moment of present ever existed. it doesnt feel real. its fading in my memory and i think it is because it wasn't ever real to begin with.

i can feel my feelings waning. and it breaks my heart. they wane because they are dying. they are being killed and i am killing them. i have no choice. it is scary. because once i let the feelings die...i am all alone again. and not in the sense of lonely body. in the sense of lonely soul. they wane because loml sleeps with another woman. they wane because i am embarassed that i have ruined my life and soul for someone so selfish. they wane because i am embarassed of the person i 'lose' to. i never thought of it as a tug of war until i was told it was one....and that i was going to lose.

i am really scared. i am really, really terrified.

but self, again, if you are listening - you have to set the ball in motion. he's not coming for you. not now. and not ever. i know it makes you cry. i know it is hard to hear. quiet your sobbing. it will be ok. ok - it wont. but you know in your soul he isnt coming for you. you will never look out your window and see him standing there for you. he is never going to wipe your tears. he's had years to change his path. and if he had done it when he should have - you both would be so much happier. you know it. but he does not. self, muffle the cries. no one can hear them so they are nothing but paralysis. put.it.in.motion. you have to give up. sweet girl, give. up. you got your lessons very early in life - that things life wasn't fair. please, self, you know it. he.never.loved.you.ever.never. let him go. look through. you said it yourself, you barely remember that time anymore. it seems like another world. it was. it wasn't. it always will be. it never was.

voiceless.

if there is such a thing as mercy in this world...mine shall snuff out.