zenit will hold me until im ready to leave

i sit in the sun, wind blowing, hair in my face....determined to come up with positive traits about myself. i make a list...it is short. it is superficial. for every plus i write, my mind immediately counters with a negative; immediately second guesses the thought: 'do i really think that? would other people really think that?'

i feel the finality in every minute. it is heavy. it is tiresome. it is sad.

living life feeling like your purpose is to fulfill but not be fulfilled...is alienating.

i catch judgment around every corner...both giving and receiving....

im watching the yellow leaves dance...so playful in the wind. so foreboding that their death is near. that winter will soon snuff them of life.

i am the yellow leaf.
winter has come....no limbs are there to break my fall.

the sun feels warm. a nice contrast to the cool breeze.
he was warm, even when life was cold.

now its just cold.

little dream.

for as long as i can remember, i have been wondering about my future. as a little i remember playing house and wondering what my life would be like when i was 'big'....like, when i was 28 (ha).

i never was the little girl who dreamt of white weddings...i was weird even then...i just wondered about when i would find my other half and what that would feel like.

as i got older, i came across many paths...any one of them could have led to the 'white wedding'. but i didnt want that..because the wonder never ceased....it told me something more right was out there - or so i hoped.

for a fleeting moment in my life, the wonder ceased. one. fleeting. moment.

it was not a moment that held all the answers. it was not even necessarily a moment free of fear. it was not even a moment 100% full of happiness. however, it was a moment of supreme comfort in the realization of my true self with someone and seemingly their true self with me. yes, maybe that transparency came in a vacuum....but if you cant achieve transparency alone together...you certainly have no chance of achieving it any other way.

one moment. bliss.

one moment gone. terror.

help me.

i am so overwhelmed.

i cant breathe.

i cant move.

someone help me.

please please.

who can help me when i wont ask.

who will help me when the only one who really can....wont?

truth.

maybe the thing is - i just need to stop beating myself up about not being happy. maybe i just need to embrace that i am sad, angry and lonely. maybe i just need to stop trying fighting to be logical and 'mature' and thus repressing my true feelings. maybe i need to try to be real about where i am - and where i am not. these are my thoughts to many you.

i never liked you to begin with. so i may not hate you, but i certainly dont like you. you are self-centered and have a victim mentality. so i certainly dont have to be amiable about the fact that you get what i want.

you fucked me over. big time. mind fuck. body fuck. people are still talking about me as a terrible person - but no one seems to say jack shit about you.

you are my friend(s) of convenience. stop trying to act like you know or care about me or my well-being.

im pretty fucking cynical. deal with it.

so much anger. SO much.

so much sad. SO much.

you used to be independent; all these fucking men have ruined you. wow. now you are that girl.

i really dont want to hate, but i do: i hate me.

silence

footsteps. winter air. breath. windblown tears. tearsblownawayinthewind.

blank canvas. no thoughts. feelings spill out in color.

not a new day. been here a thousand times already.

all the bricks in the world....

...would not be enough.

friend.

hi friend. why dont you talk about it anymore?

because it doesnt matter, friend.

so you are over it, friend?

it doesnt matter, friend.

are you sad, friend?

it doesnt matter, friend.

do you want to talk about it, friend?

it doesnt matter, friend.

you realize it was all fake, right, friend?

thank you for your insight, friend.

i mean, obviously, this is what you knew would happen right, friend?

yes, friend, i suppose you are right.

you realize you got exactly what you deserved, right, friend?

wow.

two face...

...is the title of a drawing.

i was given a beautiful piece of someone's soul one day. it is my favorite piece of art by far. i love it. i look at it often. the irony of it practically brings the face in the picture to life. it depicts two sides at war with each other....maybe within oneself. maybe between two people.

when it was given to me - i was told it represented me: the side of me that everyone gets to see; and then the side of me that very few know. i think maybe now - it takes on a deeper meaning. it may be the two sides of myself. but i think it is the two sides of the hand that drew it.

i would post the drawing. but it is mine. and i dont want to share it on my cyberpaper. it will remain for my eyes only - just as the hidden side of myself will remain for myself only.

the irony is the day i was given the drawing - it was about a profession of someone knowing my soul. and exactly one year later to the day - it became about the reveal of that someone's soul.

i think as i peel the layers - i am past shock. but it has revealed a very, very, very deep pain. i dont know how to heal it. i dont know how to kill hope or love or compassion. those are the very things that keep me going yet the very things that hold me back.

e has the same pains. the same tortured soul over loss. the same bruised ego of not being the chosen. it brings me more pain to have no words to console her than to sit alone in my tears and feel forgotten by the world. but how can i give her any words without being a complete and utter hypocrite? how can i tell her it will all be fine, she will be better off, he is missing out...when i wont let those words sink in when said to me.

i just want to move. i just want to go away. i just want to be a different. i just want to stop wishing. i just want one day without tears. and i hold the key for all those things. but i cant find it.

you said you would never look through me. i listen to you say it often. it is forever saved in time. yet, you look through me every time your eyes fall in my direction.

this is not how it was supposed to be. life, that is. not like this.

dear you

you were my fantasy that i thought would come true.
you slipped me secret notes with messages of love; you wrote me messages in the snow; you loved me in a million unexpected places in a million unexpected ways; you made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world on my ugliest of days; you looked at me with more passion behind your eyes than i thought possible; you held me like you meant it. you were my prince charming and when i asked you for my kiss...you turned into the devil and killed me instead of kissed.

i was your fantasy that you never wished to be a reality. i asked you to help me undo all the expectations you helped me create. and you wouldnt.

i should have known that pc is too good to be true.

dear you

you are a sad and pathetic person. you cling to hope rather than reality. you ask me for reminders of reality and it baffles me...because every waking moment of yours should be enough of a reminder that i do not love you. i am here. not there. i am here everyday. i am not there everyday. please dont pathetically remind me of how i know every square inch of your soul, how i know every square inch of your body. i used your soul as comfort when i had none, i used your body as a fuck fest for my own amusement. why you struggle? i have no idea. you seem to have forgotten that you were never my one. you seem to ignore the small little matter that my actions alway spoke louder than my words. you seem to think that if i respected no one else in life, that you would be the exception. news for you: you are the rule, not the exception. news for you: you were the punch line, not the chorus. of course i look through you. of course i do! ive always looked through you, because i loathe you. looking at you is a reminder of myself. i hate you and i hate myself. i look at you and i am reminded of what i almost lost. i look at you and am sickened that i almost risked it all for you. i hate you. how could you ever have mistaken that for love? how could you believe so little in yourself that you would think my cruel ways equated love? you are pathetic. let me remind you of a few things:

when i make love - its not with you. knowing your body, was the carnal desire of fucking someone who wanted me. all i did was use you for my own ego. you are a good lay. thats all. you are so typical to believe that i would mean the words 'making love'. its laughable, really.

when i am sad or mad or lonely or happy or excited or anything....i dont share it with you. i tell you nothing about me, about my life. and yet...you seem confused about my feelings? let me be clear: you are nothing to me. nothing. not part of my past; not part of my present; not part of my future. nothing.

the only way you would be good enough, is if i were left with nothing. but that wont happen, because ive woven enough of a web that that wont happen. i win. i get everything while doing nothing.

so in case you were wondering, thanks for the fuck - but dont you go believin' that you are anything more than some sexual conquest: you never were more than that and god knows now that i conquered you - i have no more interest in you. so drop dead and leave me and mine alone. and when you stupidly forget thay i mean it - remember where im sleeping tonite and think of me finding my way in someone elses body.

the idea

of being treated as if i am invisible is infuriating.

the idea of being treated as if lesser is sickening.

i know what happened.

and it makes me want to kill someone.

holidays.

i cannot seem to put my finger on why exactly i am choosing to ignore all holidays this year as if they are not happening. is it sad or is it grand?

on one hand, if i have nothing - why feign the smiles and the bullshit that i am remotely pleased to give small talk to people i see once a year about how wonderful life is.

on one hand, i think that if i dont celebrate them - no one will. and just for a minute, life could stand still.

on one hand - i've realized a surprising disdain for god right now. it even feels weird writing that - and maybe it is more appropriately a disdain for the church - the human side of god. but i sat in a mass saturday (unwillingly) and found that i was angry sitting there. i had the overwhelming desire to actually storm out of the church mid-ceremony. i am so caught off gaurd by my repulsion...and i have a theory....(but i'm also going to be late for work....so it shall litter the future pages of my cyberpaper....)

on one hand (apparently i have more than two) - i cant wait for a quiet day at home to paint. happy thanksgiving. merry christmas.

it will be sad - because i know where my mind will be; but it will be grand because it is mine. all this nothing is all mine.

nothing.

at the end of the day...im getting used to having nothing. regardless of what fills the day...ive grown to have the expectation of nothing and the hope for nothing. it may be bleak. but it is far less painful than hope for what will never be.

i can feel what this may conjure up. but so be it. in the equation of life, nothing is actually far more than half of something. im learning to love nothing. im learning to love the shell of something. i still wonder why so many people full of nothing have something and why so many people full of something have nothing...but i will simply recognize - that 'deserve' is a child word. and 'have' is an adult word.

i am at the tip of a million words. and they will come. but for now - i just say - i embrace my nothing....and recognize how silly i have been to ever think i had anything BUT nothing.

shame on me for believing in anything. shame on me for giving legs to lies.

sunshine

is so fucking overrated.

a recipe for a good day should be saturday + sunshine + football.

it apparently only equals pissy, lonely and mopey.

lonely is always much more so with people around.

thank god im good with the shell game.

at the end of the day

the void is large, abysmal, dark.....and i know exactly how to fill it.

but it is completely out of my control.

sometimes....

just when you think you have stuffed enough into a void to make it full....you realize it is indeed, still as empty as when you started....and it makes you wonder why you would waste your life on something so meaningless.

a great debate

is happening in my head.

(side note: i just spent one hour trying to find a picture in which i was happy. couldnt find one. so ive settled on this one - october 2006. last time i can remember happy)

i dont know if it will all make sense, but i am sure i must get it out of my head. it is a multi-headed monster. but here goes.

1. reading everything about buddhism has made me scared to have kids. all this talk about only being able to find enlightenment if you can recognize that everything in life is impermanent...is a hard one to swallow. it is one thing to be able to recognize that what will be, will be when it comes to parents, when it comes to siblings, when it comes to relationships....but children?! it makes me wonder: do you have a child willing to take the risk of losing them - or do you have one spending the rest of your life scared to death that you will lose them before you are ready?

2. i never want to be married. or have any label, for that matter. at least any label that makes people stop acting out what they think should be. what do i mean? i mean, i never want to make a decision - or not make one - for the sole reason that i am married. nor do i want that to be a reason that someone makes a decision for me. (side note: i know this only makes sense in my head...but in cyber world....that doesnt really matter - not one is there to read the words anyways).

3. i miss my friend, christa. ive thought about her so often lately. i miss her for the reasons of what i now know....and now can identify with her about that i couldnt before. but i miss her because she was the one real friend i have made since being in this god-forsaken place that has brought me nothing but pure misery. it is funny how i often find myself thinking that i am to chilli as chris was to me. i miss my friend. i miss having a friend.

4. three different people today mentioned how skinny i looked. chrissy mentioned that 90% of the people we work with have asked her why ive lost so much weight. i should be flattered, but im annoyed that people are talking about me. im going to start a rumor that im a crack whore. half of that rumor already exists anyways. half of that is already true. may as well capitalize on that - better body...better to whore it up with.

5. i talked to jeff today. i dont think i can do it.

6. i dread being descended upon tomorrow. i like being alone. i dont want company.

7. i was told to focus on my peace and not his foibles. a. foibles is a funny word. b. it is hard not to. i know i have to....and i am willing to....but the irony is - my peace an his foibles are interwoven.

8. i am going to write myself a letter. it will be everything that he wont say to me but should.

9. at the end of the day, i might be great. but im not the one.

sleep on that.

(aka...insert insomnia)

taos is my hut

i am reminded of something i read by thich nhat hahn:

"There was a friend who suffered so much he had to drop out of society and go to a meditation center. Since the Buddhist temple is a place of compassion, they welcomed him...How long, how many days, how many years did he need to cry? We don't know. But finally he took refuge in the meditation center and did not want to go back to society. He thought he had found some peace, but one day I myself came and burned his meditation hut. In his understanding, he had nothing else outside of the hut. He had nowhere to go becasue society was not his."

ive made a big deal about leaving. or about him leaving. but if i am being real with myself - it is just my insecurity that i am not in my hut. taos was my hut. it was my freedom to walk around. to smile. to be no one. to be anyone. no one there to judge. no one there to hate. just me. to be me. or not to be me. that is the point.

so maybe it is not so much i have moved backwards since then as i have just learned the hard lesson that my hut was burned down - and i have to face life. all is simple when it is just self. but life is never just about self. it is always about interbeing. none of exists without the validation of others.

taos was my hut.

but this is my life. and nothing is going to be perfect.

so maybe i just need to get over the fact that he doesnt think that i am.

if im being honest

there's this common thread of my self-loathing. and its the constant wonder in my mind of what's wrong with me that i am never the one he chooses. and the 'he'? the 'he' is alot of people.

chris - my dearest friend who may be the most distant close friend i've ever had. and we started off as best friends, who got blurry because we wanted more, but he had a long-distance girlfriend - and in the end...wanted her and not me. so our friendship was strained because i made it so, because i had to lick the bruised ego of not being better in his eyes. jen was his choice.

adam - my first sort-of adult relationship....in retrospect i had too much insecurity to really be myself with him, so i tried to reflect as much of him as i could in myself. though this immaturity would have proven to be our demise someday - someday never came, because when he came back from his time abroad and we sat at the spring street house to exchange christmas gifts, he let me know he had been cheating on me and wanted to be with this girl: christine.

leland - my first love. hands down. again, hindsight is 20/20 - it would have never lasted. but this was the relationship when i walked around in awe that this boy - this hot, sexy, quirky, artist, skateboarding, music-loving, football-fanatic boy - was in to me. really in to me. until he decided to get back together with his old girlfriend. ashley was a better fit for him.

aric - my montana project to say the least. but in the end - i was a sort of trophy for him. young, blonde and smart. but no quicker than i would leave the room would he be prowling for a new her. it was always the reminder that our relationship didnt compare with his previous one: molly.

shamus - moral to a fault, this boy would never have cheated on me. at least not in the traditional definition of the word. but he made no qualms about reminding me of my faults...so maybe in this one case i cant put a woman's name next to why i wasn't 'better'....but i was reminded nonetheless.

david - he was the culmination of the best friend i have in chris, the adoration i got from leland, the everything that wasn't there before. this was the reminder that i was perfect for someone....perfect for him. except i wasn't. i wasn't better. i wasn't mandy.

so - in this moment of feeling a bit forgotten - i am in a qwandry. i've been cheated on, ive cheated, ive played it by the book, ive been the other woman, ive been nice, ive been mean....and in the end...i still am not the one for anyone. so i guess sometimes i just have a bit of a hard time talking myself out of the self-pity. i just have a bit of a hard time finding the answer to why im never enough for apparently any man. because i realize - everything else is gravy. it's like i am playing the life role of the fat girl that everyone just wants to be friends with. but no let me in on the joke.

words to cradle my heart...

There's a Possibility,
There's a Possibility,
All that I had was all I'm gonn' get.

There's a Possibility,
There's a Possibility,
All I'm gonna get is gonna be yours then
All I'm gonna get is gonna be yours then.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know."

Know that when you leave,
Know that when you leave,
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief, by blood and by me, and I fall when you leave.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop, you're the only one that knows. Tell me when you hear my silence, there's a possibility I wouldn't know.
So tell me when my silence's over, you're the reason why I'm closed. Tell me when you hear me falling, there's a possibility it wouldn't show.

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave.
By blood and by me, I follow your lead.

a thought....

...maybe it isnt and never was love. maybe i never felt more special to someone and i loved that.

maybe i was the user rather than the used.

in som nia

its baaa-aaaack. damn you, insomnia. i thought i had rid myself of you. alas, you have reared your head and apparently are here to stay. i suspect you are capitalizing on my weaknesses. i suspect i am moving from the denial phase into the anger phase. i suspect being spent from my day job is leaving little energy for my quest at ridding my diseased mind of its plague...insert: insomnia. damn you.

i hate tuesdays.

HATE...is not even strong enough of a word.

fucking hate. loathe. despise.

footsies

under the conference table footsies is something i miss. it's something i miss even more when forced to sit in a room for hours...the very room that holds a lot of feeling behind it.

buddha says dont hold on to hope. hope will kill us. hold on to the present. i struggle SO much with this. but in a 5 minute effort to shake the funk that is still lingering from the weekend.... here goes.

10 nice things about the present:

1. i can go to the bathroom with the door open

2. i always get to decide whats for dinner

3. no one is around to make a mess except for me (huge downside: no one is there to clean up my mess)

4. i always have hot water when taking a shower

5. i never have to fight over the remote

6. i can talk to myself and not be looked at like im crazy

7. i can cry and no one will bother me

8. i can sing and dance around the house in my undies

9. i can do naked sit ups and push ups with no judgement

10. i can have peace and quiet whenever i want it

sleuth'd

i may have figured out why i hit a bottom this weekend. im sure it is only a half-baked solution - i mean, i cant ignore the obvious, which certainly is a major contributor....but i carried a new kind of stress this week. admitedly - it is a stress i created. usually i am so good at not worrying...because what does worry bring? it doesnt change the past and it doesnt change the future. but i worried. i worried i was sick...and i let it run rampant in my mind and play off every insecurity that i have. i thought - what happens when i am told something is wrong with me - and i have to drive away, alone - dealing with it, alone. what happens if something happens to me in this godforsaken city and i have to sit in a hospital, alone. no one to take care of ashby, no one to sit my house. no one holding my hand if i am scared. it is all silly and thankfully unecessary worry. but it doesnt change the outcome of the fact that there is alot in my future that i have to tackle, potentially and realistically - alone.

And so we get to the crux of the matter. i am all alone. and it really doesnt matter who i surround myself with physically or emotionally - because this is something that will likely never change. i always felt alone....so shame on me for thinking things would ever be different. in a way, it is a welcoming feeling to return to the self i am more familiar with - the one that holds myself accountable, the one that expects nothing of anyone, the one that gives enough of myself to be personable, but never enough to be burned, the one that knows happy is fleeting and impermanent and downright bullshit. one that knows that happy and sad are really just about the same thing.

hello, self. welcome back to the do-it-yourself side.

apathys last kiss

What's the matter

What's the difference

You'll feel better if you lie

With the stars in your eyes

Honey, Honey

Where's my baby

He know better than to cry

With the stars in his eyes

There is

No safe place to go

I should know

The lame

And the droll have needs

To let their feelings show

What's the matter

What's the difference

What's the question

You'll feel better

If you lie

With the stars in your eyes

There is

No safe place to go

I should know

The lame

And the droll have needs

To let their feelings show

Bury your heart in a hole

Bury your heart in a

Bury your heart in a

Bury your heart in a hole

nobody crones it like billy.

one foot in front of the other

this is how it works right? wipe face, stand up, get dressed, walk. keep walking....

a couple songs to get my morning going...

sunkilmoon - carry my ohio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKRA7weVyLs

tempertrap - sweet disposition
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3b9E1p9uOA

noahandthewhale - first day of spring
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btoAx8tGngA

today

is hard. for no apparent reason. which makes is doubly suck. because it was unexpected. my desk is tear-stained. my coffee is salted with tears. my eyes are puffy....


i just want it to stop.

gray mash

i feel like this basquiat looks. i have been trying so hard to hold on to the small bits of clarity i have discovered in a mass of gray....yet they slip. strangely - the loss of one clarity brings another, yet simultaneously leaves me equally lost. goddamn this mind with a broken 'off switch'.



hello anger - there you are. i was beginning to think you did not exist.



hello sad - you are tiring me. please go away.

the answer...

...to the previous two questions?

never.

and...never.

i see you...

if i could pick a theme song to play in the background like a movie spot while you read this - it would be mika's 'i see you'. the piano would roll right through your ears as these words roll right through my head....god, i miss playing the piano.

i see who you are. i see all the words you stifle dancing behind your eyes. this feels like a trap. you are pulling me in and probably dont even know it, likely dont even mean it.

fuck me for still waiting for you to catch me.

i finally can say - i want you to be happy. even if it isn't with me.

maybe what you brought to my life is the very weighty possibility that i will never again in my life take someone i choose to love, someone that chooses to love me - for granted.

i already forget your touch.

when will i stop missing you?

when will you start missing me?

sunday, sunday...

good things on a sunday:
waking up to a sunny day - no rain!

discovering it was daylight savings time and i have an extra hour in the weekend

hatha yoga - 2 sessions

pumpkin latte

warm flannel sheets and puffy pillows


some things that would make the morning better:

starting the day of with some lovin'. i love a morning romp.

a surprise maid sowing up at my house to clean and do laundry