sleuth'd

i may have figured out why i hit a bottom this weekend. im sure it is only a half-baked solution - i mean, i cant ignore the obvious, which certainly is a major contributor....but i carried a new kind of stress this week. admitedly - it is a stress i created. usually i am so good at not worrying...because what does worry bring? it doesnt change the past and it doesnt change the future. but i worried. i worried i was sick...and i let it run rampant in my mind and play off every insecurity that i have. i thought - what happens when i am told something is wrong with me - and i have to drive away, alone - dealing with it, alone. what happens if something happens to me in this godforsaken city and i have to sit in a hospital, alone. no one to take care of ashby, no one to sit my house. no one holding my hand if i am scared. it is all silly and thankfully unecessary worry. but it doesnt change the outcome of the fact that there is alot in my future that i have to tackle, potentially and realistically - alone.

And so we get to the crux of the matter. i am all alone. and it really doesnt matter who i surround myself with physically or emotionally - because this is something that will likely never change. i always felt alone....so shame on me for thinking things would ever be different. in a way, it is a welcoming feeling to return to the self i am more familiar with - the one that holds myself accountable, the one that expects nothing of anyone, the one that gives enough of myself to be personable, but never enough to be burned, the one that knows happy is fleeting and impermanent and downright bullshit. one that knows that happy and sad are really just about the same thing.

hello, self. welcome back to the do-it-yourself side.