a great debate

is happening in my head.

(side note: i just spent one hour trying to find a picture in which i was happy. couldnt find one. so ive settled on this one - october 2006. last time i can remember happy)

i dont know if it will all make sense, but i am sure i must get it out of my head. it is a multi-headed monster. but here goes.

1. reading everything about buddhism has made me scared to have kids. all this talk about only being able to find enlightenment if you can recognize that everything in life is impermanent...is a hard one to swallow. it is one thing to be able to recognize that what will be, will be when it comes to parents, when it comes to siblings, when it comes to relationships....but children?! it makes me wonder: do you have a child willing to take the risk of losing them - or do you have one spending the rest of your life scared to death that you will lose them before you are ready?

2. i never want to be married. or have any label, for that matter. at least any label that makes people stop acting out what they think should be. what do i mean? i mean, i never want to make a decision - or not make one - for the sole reason that i am married. nor do i want that to be a reason that someone makes a decision for me. (side note: i know this only makes sense in my head...but in cyber world....that doesnt really matter - not one is there to read the words anyways).

3. i miss my friend, christa. ive thought about her so often lately. i miss her for the reasons of what i now know....and now can identify with her about that i couldnt before. but i miss her because she was the one real friend i have made since being in this god-forsaken place that has brought me nothing but pure misery. it is funny how i often find myself thinking that i am to chilli as chris was to me. i miss my friend. i miss having a friend.

4. three different people today mentioned how skinny i looked. chrissy mentioned that 90% of the people we work with have asked her why ive lost so much weight. i should be flattered, but im annoyed that people are talking about me. im going to start a rumor that im a crack whore. half of that rumor already exists anyways. half of that is already true. may as well capitalize on that - better body...better to whore it up with.

5. i talked to jeff today. i dont think i can do it.

6. i dread being descended upon tomorrow. i like being alone. i dont want company.

7. i was told to focus on my peace and not his foibles. a. foibles is a funny word. b. it is hard not to. i know i have to....and i am willing to....but the irony is - my peace an his foibles are interwoven.

8. i am going to write myself a letter. it will be everything that he wont say to me but should.

9. at the end of the day, i might be great. but im not the one.

sleep on that.

(aka...insert insomnia)