holidays.

i cannot seem to put my finger on why exactly i am choosing to ignore all holidays this year as if they are not happening. is it sad or is it grand?

on one hand, if i have nothing - why feign the smiles and the bullshit that i am remotely pleased to give small talk to people i see once a year about how wonderful life is.

on one hand, i think that if i dont celebrate them - no one will. and just for a minute, life could stand still.

on one hand - i've realized a surprising disdain for god right now. it even feels weird writing that - and maybe it is more appropriately a disdain for the church - the human side of god. but i sat in a mass saturday (unwillingly) and found that i was angry sitting there. i had the overwhelming desire to actually storm out of the church mid-ceremony. i am so caught off gaurd by my repulsion...and i have a theory....(but i'm also going to be late for work....so it shall litter the future pages of my cyberpaper....)

on one hand (apparently i have more than two) - i cant wait for a quiet day at home to paint. happy thanksgiving. merry christmas.

it will be sad - because i know where my mind will be; but it will be grand because it is mine. all this nothing is all mine.