silence.

it is time. to take a minute. and quiet the thoughts. no more words for now. part of reset requires no words. my thoughts are now to be my thoughts. no more technological cyber co-dependence.

goodbye, fmh. goodbye for now.

reset

a dark, long tunnel....and i finally see a light.

i feel like i just came out of a coma. and maybe, just maybe, life is good. or at least has the potential to be.

four.

...is the number of times i broke down in sobs today. triggered by trivial things and also not-so-trivial things.

i owe it to myself to try to analyze why. i am not confident i can get to the bottom of it. i am confident it will be jumbled. but i know this grief is poisoning me.

i cannot say for sure, but i think i am triggered when i am faced with people living life - even fictitious people on tv. i feel sad because my life is exactly the same. every day is groundhog day. it has been for years. i feel guilty. because i am wallowing when i have so much at my fingertips...and so much potential for more right within my grasp - if only i would reach. i feel guilt for wasting away. and doing nothing to try to stop it.

i fear, though i am not ready to admit it as truth, that i am in complete sacrificial mode. since when have i never wanted to be married, never wanted a family, shunned my closest friends and shuttered at the idea of my family? i think out of the need for survival it is as if ive started shedding life dreams as childish wants and unattainable goals...as if i were drowning in the ocean, weighed down by a million anchors - my hopes and dreams - and the only means to survival is to lose the weight...to lose that which is killing me.

i think i sob because i have never in my life felt so alone. so utterly discarded, abandonded, disposed and frogotten. and not just by one. by ALL. including me. and i cant get out of this quicksand of self pity because i am in utter disbelief and shame that for 32 years of living - it feels like not one person cares that i am drowning. and beyond even caring...it is as if no one even knows. should i have to ask every single day for someone to help me up? is that what people do? i am so embarassed to be weak that i cannot ask for help? i don't think it is a fear of weakness. i think it is a fear of (further) rejection or quick dismissal. i have reached out. and i have been repeatedly let down. by everyone.

i havent talked to megt, tara, kopko, etc. in months. i havent called. they havent called. iris, megt and tara shot around some emails and cc'd me. i didnt respond. they all did. no one asked why. chris is back to playing happy surfer doc. such a good friend but only in waves. guess that can be said of all of us. it certainly is true of me.

i was shamus's kickstand for two weeks straight. happily. because i could relate to his pain. and sure, enough, his lasted 2 weeks. and now it is return to bliss. i cant help but feel a little angry and used. i was being a friend because he felt he had no where to turn to. 12 calls a day; even more texts; all reassuring him he would work it out. and he has. but i gave him a glimpse of my hell. he lived it for 2 weeks. ive been living it for almost 9 months. dont tell me what a good friend i am. dont take from me if you cant give friendship back. i am so sad i let that take 7 years of my life. not because he is not a good person. because he is. he is a great person. i love him as family. but it wasn't love. it wasn't right to take that time and to give that time. it just wasn't right. especially knowing all along that it wasn't bliss.

as much as i am pushing my parents...how can they not be pulling me? i find it alienating that my mom asked me in september - point blank to my face if i was happy. i was so caught off gaurd i immediately broke down. i just said 'no, mom. no i am not happy. not even close. and i dont want to talk about it'. and her repsonse was 'but i want you to be happy - what can i do?'. and never again have we broached the subject. i think i resent them for who i am. for who i am not. it's not their fault, i know. everything i have, dont have and everything in between is all my fault. i KNOW this.

i really just want a hug. it sounds so incredulous, but i actually flinched the other day when i accidentally touched someone's hand because i do not have human touch other than hand shakes at work. i cry, sob, audibly sob, all the time. and i just want someone to hug me. it's not natural to deal with so much grief alone. it's making me crazy. literally. crazy.

trust is shattered. as a human quality i no longer trust. this shouldn't be a revelation - but for some reason it hit me the other day and i was surprised. when people talk, i generally think anything coming out of their mouth is a lie. doesn't matter who is talking. it is compounded if it is a man. i cannot believe i am turning into one of those hateful woman. i am a trainwreck of a lifetime movie.

i got challenged for displaced hate. that's true. it is displaced. but for a long time i pretended to like this woman who i didnt. she was cold and rude the first time i met her. years later was not cold, but was dismissive. when i went completely exposed to try to talk - i was met with evil. i cant argue it wasnt deserved. but up until that point, i made an effort to never use slanderous words about her. but after - all bets were off. i never used an agressive word with or towards her. what i can hate is that her actions dont speak to love. you dont deface and slander someone you love - no matter what. one thing ive realized is that in life, there are generally good-hearted people and not-so-good hearted people. oftentimes, the good hearted make very bad decisions and therefore get labelled bad. oftentimes, the not-so-good hearted people make seemingly good decisions..and therefore are labelled as such. i think i have a big heart. i think hers is small and dark. there is a very clear way to determine where people fall: those who hurt people intetionally and those who dont. niether is desirable - but i can always hold my head up high knowing i have never in my life maliciously hurt people. so, yes, that bitch can rot in hell. she is taking just to take. she is taking just to hurt. she is taking just to control.

him? where does he fall? i'm not sure. i cant quite figure out good heart or black heart. maliciously causing pain or unintentional? i just dont know.

i am thinking about having a funeral. to burn every flower petal, note, journal, email entry, im, photo, book...every trace of a life that he is determined to erase and i am determined to hold on to. i will mourn those things...my stomach is queasy just thinking about being without those sources of comfort. but they are a web of lies and pain and empty promises. they are enabling to hold on to the fiction of the deceit that i thought was love.

maybe i am anti-marriage, kids and family because i dont see much of a future for myself anymore. maybe i just dont want it to be a hope anymore because there is a real possibilty it wont happen. i can only imagine a life with one. one spineless fuck who already took everything he needed and wanted from me and then left me for dead.

if only i could disappear for a while. and this time for more than 3 weeks. at least i could clear my head of this wretched life i have created. part of me doesn't even think i love this person anymore. how could i? he's shut me out. what is there to love? i know nothing about him or his life. how could i love someone who could treat everyone in his life like shit? how could i love someone who can live with that witch? how could i love someone who says he can be nothing but a dad, but cherishes every moment he has for 'free time' to drink beer? how can i love someon who wants his kid to have a family - but considers family sleeping in separate rooms? her going out and him babysitting and vice versa? independent lives but dependent parenting? can i possibly love this? can i possibly respect this? in the end, does it really matter? it is not my business after all. and frankly, dont i have just as long of a list of really pathetic qualities that no one can love? sure i do. because no one does. no one even really likes. but in the end, i cant help but feel it is my business. because he is my perfect match. and of course i love him. every flaw i see, is loved just as much as every perfection. just as much as those boyish hands, the mole on his stomach, the deep forehead wrinkle, the gray eyebrow hairs, the perfectly shaped legs, the voice, the way he accepted me like no one every has, that look in his eye.

i am not going to wake up alone for much longer. if i have to put on a fake persona everyday to hide my tortured soul - at least i should do it with company.

this is just not working.

i am going out of my mind.

with anxiety.
with hatred.
with spite.
with jealousy.
with anger.
with a black, black heart.

i can taste the anger in my mouth. i am fighting myself not to lash out in irrational ways. i am angry at everyone.

i am frogotten. by everyone. i cant get out of this madness.

i hate you.

i frogot something.

i told myself i would try to include one small happy thing - however big or small each day. yesterday my happy was that i didn't wear undies all day long and it was AWESOME.

i need more days like that.

the rest of the day was shit. but at least my junk was happy.

revert.

it is another beautiful breezy morning. but nothing about it feels happy. one step forward, three steps back. i feel miserable and depressed today. my heart hurts. i dont feel like i can get out of bed. but im sure i will, because i also dont feel like i can make it through any day...and unfortunately for me...i always seem to.

a.m.

a tiny snippets of happy:
waking up to a cool breeze, diffuse sunlight through white sheer billowy curtains, crisp clean sheets that still smell like laundry...next step to complete this relaxing morning: go make some exquisite coffee (yay saturday = no shitty office coffee) and devise a plan to stop waking up alone.

stars.

i think love feels as grand as if someone hands you a box of stars. those tiny little twinkling dots in the sky that you have stared at for your whole life. those little flickering hopes in the sky of a brighter tomorrow...

every minute with loml is another tiny star to put in my box of memories.

or so i thought.

but when i peek in the box, all i see are snuffed remnants of tomorrows that will never be and fiery burny embers of pain that will hold eternal...

no one ever tells you that they very thing you wish upon to make all your dreams come true, is really something that will rape you of everything you ever hoped for.

why no fmh?

why havent i found it. it is because with every passing day - my fate is sealed. and more hours are put between now and forever.

it is safe to say a broken heart never picks up the pieces.

out of sight out of mind. he doesn't even dare to dream...

what happened to present.

ihad a very weird dream last night. and the night before. and these dreams have haunted my waking hours. i think they have made me realize that i no longer have daydreams and hopes, only living nightmares and endless despair. these shadows have erased my future hopes. for almost all of my life since i can remember, i lived with hopes of the future - to the point of really only living for the future. and then, for one brief and fleeting moment, one short period of time i had the overwhelming feeling that the future had come. but in the blink of an eye - that feeling had fled. and now i am stuck longing for what has past. i have missed living in the present. and now, i have no desire for the future. i lived for the future. i long for the past. i loathe the present. it actually doesn't even feel like that moment of present ever existed. it doesnt feel real. its fading in my memory and i think it is because it wasn't ever real to begin with.

i can feel my feelings waning. and it breaks my heart. they wane because they are dying. they are being killed and i am killing them. i have no choice. it is scary. because once i let the feelings die...i am all alone again. and not in the sense of lonely body. in the sense of lonely soul. they wane because loml sleeps with another woman. they wane because i am embarassed that i have ruined my life and soul for someone so selfish. they wane because i am embarassed of the person i 'lose' to. i never thought of it as a tug of war until i was told it was one....and that i was going to lose.

i am really scared. i am really, really terrified.

but self, again, if you are listening - you have to set the ball in motion. he's not coming for you. not now. and not ever. i know it makes you cry. i know it is hard to hear. quiet your sobbing. it will be ok. ok - it wont. but you know in your soul he isnt coming for you. you will never look out your window and see him standing there for you. he is never going to wipe your tears. he's had years to change his path. and if he had done it when he should have - you both would be so much happier. you know it. but he does not. self, muffle the cries. no one can hear them so they are nothing but paralysis. put.it.in.motion. you have to give up. sweet girl, give. up. you got your lessons very early in life - that things life wasn't fair. please, self, you know it. he.never.loved.you.ever.never. let him go. look through. you said it yourself, you barely remember that time anymore. it seems like another world. it was. it wasn't. it always will be. it never was.

voiceless.

if there is such a thing as mercy in this world...mine shall snuff out.

self meet self

self, this is me talking. you need to wake up. be realistic. of course they share a bed. of course they share more. they go to therapy. they live together. they share their lives. you share nothing. please wake up. i beg you. they are liars that value themselves each only and hide that selfishness behind a seemingly noble stance. please, self, open your eyes. he doesnt love you. he never never did. not even for one moment. dont you ever believe he did. he never had any intention for you to be the exception. not for a moment. self, please get off the merry go round. he will never come for you. self, you were labelled the sacrificer. you are still doing it. you have sacrified two years for a bag of shit who would rather cheat a woman out of love, a child out of true family, a soulmate out of connection. self, you dont even know what you want anymore. we're lost, self. your 'who' is so buried in the subconcious of us that you can even tell self what you want. i suspect, self, that you are in defense mode. i suspect, the walls are everywhere. even where you feign they arent...not one soul sees you anymore. some look past and one looks through. but self, no one looks at you. no one can see you because you have mastered the illusion of another self that even you can no longer see.

just music.

no words. out of the energy to pontificate on one soul that couldn't do less to soothe my own.

just some music. good to listen. in a dark room. taste of tears. sound of breath. touch of air. music will hold my bleeding heart....for now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=905_LAo5uUQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IzOprKaXQ0

100.

this is my 100th post.
as i review these tiny words of the past in black and white, they are no less precious to me than a milliom pieces of my soul scattered about for common consupmtion.
these words equate pieces of dust that disappear into the wind just as the love behind them must also disappear with no trace. i will succumb to the fact that there are three moments of great irony and happiness buried deep below the tortuous layers of pain in which i am so laboriously tangled within:

1. i found great love. and i tried my hardest to hold on to it. for this i can feel proud because i was able to escape the traps that most fall in to: the deceit that comfort and companionship is love or the trap of blindness and fear in not being able to seize the moment when great love enters your life.

2. i experienced some of the most passionate, loving, earth-moving moments that i ever have, and likely ever will, in my life. for this i can feel proud because on the few occasions i have recounted my love to others - they have looked at me with complete awe and bewilderment. their not being able to relate to the depth of my love, proves to me this was great love.

3. i have taught myself that i do know what unconditional means in a romantic sense - separate from unconditional in the familial sense. for this my heart feels less blackened. i will love this man for the rest of my life and likely will carry parts of him in my soul for all my lives to come. while my pride my ego and my heart may never be mended, at least i can rest knowing not being loved in this life was not because i didn't know how or wasn't willing to learn.

i know these words lay hidden from all and really lay no more exposed than those thoughts in my head that i share with no one. but i hope that someday, when i am gone, everyone that crossed my path in life can know that though i lived with so much pain and unhappiness (all of my own doing, of course)...i did experience truly happy moments that i wouldn't give up for the world.

1977

i suppose every one of the 6 billion people on this earth can say that life never turns out how you think it might when you are small. and i suppose that can be either good or bad.

i suppose that as you grow up thinking the world is your oyster - it is that much harder to realize it is not.

i suppose it makes me wonder amidst a mass of 6 billion people, i couldnt feel more alone. i feel like i have something to offer. but the world keeps telling me i dont.

i have nothing.
no one wants me and no one needs me.
it is a hard reality to swallow. but it is indeed reality.
dead inside.

fail.

i have failed at everything.
the one thing that has been the lone bright spot for me has extinguished.
not good enough for him. not good enough for love. not good enough for profession. not good enough for life.

i am so sick of this.

je ne sais quois

i dont know that i have words right now. but i am distraught. i am tired. i have been crying for so many hours my body, my mind are both numb. i know it is all that should happen. i know this is the way things have to be. but i am so sad. i am sobbing. ashby thinks i am insane. i have thought about a million things. writing to mt to tell her how disappointed i am she turned away. writing chill to tell her not to take my absence as dislike. quitting. all i want to do is quit everything. i dont want to work. i dont want to live. who am i? who is this miserable human? i think i might be an alcholic. i think i might be an addict to pain and suffering. this house has absorbed so many cries of pain...it must be spilling over. i laid on the bathroom floor today. and i wondered about things as different. things as past, present and future. so this is my confession:

my equation for hatred for that bitch, who i can not use nor read her name, is 95% jealousy and only 5% real feeling. she may have been rude to me the first time i met her; cold everytime there after; rude at the bbq when i was trying so hard to reach out; bitchy at the winery. but in the end, she can be a miserable human - but i am the one that did wrong by her.

my hatred for him is grown out of hurt. it is 95% rejection and 5% real feeling. i feel inadequate. as a partner. as a woman. as a person. there is something wrong with me that everyone sees and i cannot. i beg you, god, as i sit her and cry out...just tell me. i dont like being the only one who cannot see.

i deserve nothing and i know it. i am not worthy of love, much less like. i have known for a very long time that i am just different. i always have been on the outskirts of everything - so this should not be a surprise. i just caught up in the feeling of NOT being singular...and a lifetime of longing for that feeling swept me away.

i know everyone is better off without me, especially him. it is not that he defines me. it is not that he is my world. it is that he completes me. and im tired of partially living. so me giving up is not bc of him - it is just bc of me.

why

the monolith breaks.

such a sense of security, those things we consider monoliths. and then they crack. and show weakness. and show vulnerability. and we are already standing on top. and the weakness is scary. it means we have built a base on sand, not on stone as we thought. fucking SAND. no foundation does well on sand. so thus, the end is nearer than we bargained for because the sand is going to take it all. everything we built and fought for is going to be enveloped in a million grains of erasure...with nothing to be left. that is what the memory will be: nothing. that is what tomorrow will know: nothing. as final as death and as painful as life.

dp you wonder how it got to be this. so much everything and so much nothing?

do you wonder if it can be undone when nothing feel reversible?

i feel like there is so much to offer and simultaneously not a shred left.

death is actually more palatable. ive come to that one singular conclusion. it is final. and that loss is acceptable. because it is final so says the world. so says god. but a living choice always has the potential to be undone. and thus, i always hold on to the hope of what could be. even though no one else does. and in the end, i suppose i dont really either. i just like the idea of being a romantic. even though i dont think there is any left in me. i am cultivating the idea of being the wierd old chick in movies and books...the one no one can figure out...the one that doesnt seem like she should be alone, but is. the one that seems like she could have had it all, but doesn't. i know it is up to me. i know i am the only one to change the future. but listen, world. ive chosen. and i dont want to choose again. i put every last energy into something that dissolved. i put every last effort into a force that wanted nothing to do with me. so - yes, does rational me understand that i am the only one to change my being? my path? my outlook? YES. i get it. But does rational you understand i have no will to live without the partner i risked it all for? does rational you have the parallel experience of being a singular person, standing alone...for days, weeks, months and years ALONE? yes...i didnt think so. so fuck you, you rational, sane people. you havent faced the bottom. so dont tell me you know the path to the top.

noun. verb.

i think of two things constnty: a noun. a verb.
today i ponder the verb.
would it be so difficult? scarily, i think not. i try to think through the ramifications. i also try to think of the impetus for it. i often think back to a conversation with, or more so in observance of, my parents. i can picture the exact moment: my dad was on a tangent of how selfish verb was. how could anyone? my mom agreed but at least conceded depression can make people act out...

ramifications:
my parents would be sad
erin would be devastated and so angry. could i put her through this? especially after what she has already been made to endure?
josh and steph would be fine. no change to their lives.
lilly would never know the difference.
sadly, there is no one else to consider. sadly, there is no one else to be affected.

impetus(es) impeti?
i am devastated. i cannot endure constant sadness. can anyone? everything is too much. too much sad. too much lonely. too much lost. too much fear. too much heartbreak. too much shame.

i cannot see the future. any future. nor do i have the will to look harder.

all the things i used to think i wanted out of life....i have lost desire for.

i have been asked by the lofe of my life to go away. i feel there is but one way to honor this bc i know myself and i know my inability to let go. it took 10 years for me to let stacy go after she died. it took me 4 years to understand leland was not right for me. it took me 15 years not to cry on the anniversary of jiddis death (which also coincides with the last day my love touched me). i can only go away in one way.

im less scared of verb than of not.

the last hurdle to swallow is that he wont have the balls to come for the final goodbye; that that bitch who i hate more than life will find pleasure in my pain and in the permanence of my solution as she has stated repeatedly; that i would leave erin alone; that i will be gossiped about.

i think i can take it.

verb.

.

no no no no no no no no. not here again.

i cant do it.

deja vu. deja vu.

i do not know how to get out of this quicksand. i do not know how to ask for help. i do not know who to ask. i do not know the words to use. i do not know what i am running from. i do not know who i am running to.

evil eyes

when you look into the eyes of evil...at first glance they may reflect just the opposite. it is only until you gouge your eyes out that you can truly see.

spinning

i cannot get out of this place of mourning, shock and hurt. it is embarassing and tiring that i am still here. the only silver lining is that i am so exhausted of him being such a spineless, passive human...that i am losing my will both to interact with him as well as have strong questions about whether or not he is even the person i thought i loved. i mean, he sits in his relationship 'because the label means something'. yet...he sees me everyday, is cloying with me everyday..there is no way that bitch knows that or would allow that....so how much does that label really mean? really makes me understand that it doesnt mean anything to him...it is just a way for him to tell me he doesnt love me in the most passive of ways ever. i cant understand having a child...but i suspect it brings a feeling of the overwhelming need for for protectiveness. but, in true form, the other line i get...(from both of those assholes) is needing to be together for the child. can i possibly love someone who can be so selfish as to CONCIOUSLY decide to set forth an example of love and family as a dysfunctional coexistence? isnt the path being set for that poor little one not to be able to seek love as an adult bc he has never known it in romantic form?

if i dont believe that he ever loved me, if i dont believe he ever stopped, if i dont believe that he actually just 'coexists' at home, if i still feel like he lies by omission, if he chooses a woman who has a blacker heart than my own and is raising a child in a way i would never allow for my own.....how can i possibly still be whirling in hurt and pain?

...it is because we were different, better people together.

i mourn the loss of those good people and the replacement of them with lesser, unworthy shells of people.

im pretty sure....

you have no friends. how can no one being screaming to you to get the fuck out? can everyone in your miserable existence be in the same denial? is the notion of idealism biological such that i am the only person on earth who has any? for someone who respects themselves so little, at least i can say i wont settle for something i know isnt right. you laugh at me and taunt me for being a stupid whore because words speak louder than actions...and apparently passivity speaks loudest of all...but how dare you. you sit as the biggest hypocrit of them all hiding behind a pathetic excuse but spin it as 'noble'. what. a. fucking. joke. you 'want nothing if it isnt love'. false. lies. you just want to win. you said as much. you shameful, hateful person. you are equally cruel to each other. you equally are wasting and using each other. what a sad, sad existence. i cant wait to laugh in your face when it all falls apart and i can welcome you to my hell. at least i can be honest with myself and with everyone around me about me. and what i want. and what i feel.

you fucking duality of scum. rot in hell.

nightline.

happy. non-existent. but the least i can do is force myself to recognize a silver lining:

- i can move whenever i want to wherever i want
- i dont have to interact with someone who hates me and who i hate right back for the rest of my life
- i can have sex with anyone i want; whenever i want; wherever i want
- i can spend my money how i want...no one to ask permission of
- i get to be true to me. always. no submissive compromises.
- i can turn the light on when i cant sleep at 3 in the morning and not wake anyone up (usually)
- travel is cheaper for one
- i dont have to raise my children in this shithole town if i decide not to
- the future is wide open
- my future may be longer than my past...and if that is the case...i am lucky my future holds promise instead of dread


what a bunch of bullshit.

an image of peace.

i lay here, reading and thinking...trying to embrace the return of the insomniacal cycle that i am all too familiar with as it characterized my entire year of 09 and even before. the only new, and possibly welcoming, perspective i have of the renewed familiarity of these twilight hours is an appreciation of the sound of nothing...it is acceptable at this hour...because in every house, in every life - it is expected that 3am has a hush to it.

for no explicable reason, an image of sitting by a campfire popped in my head. a not-so-comfortable lawn chair, fire-warmed shins, crackling logs, room-temperature scotch that has given way to that euphoric mind place of too fuzzy to firmly grip reality, but not yet fuzzy enough that inhibition and reason are foregone. a journal. a pen. just me. just thoughts.

if only my mind could stop there. what a perfect setting. but, no. there is always a tailing thought, a last piece to the puzzle that is thrown in: him. how the thought of the only desired ending to the scene above is for his cold hands and long arms wrap around me; his warm scotch-ridden breath breeze over my neck. a night of peaceful sleep in protective, loving, non-judgemental arms.

which returns us to the underlying raison d'etre of lack of sleep. it is never peaceful. it brings no relief to the tiredness, no release from tension. it only awakens to a new day that i didnt ask for and frankly dont want. it awakens to another day of empty, another day of distance and longevity between now and between then.

the only thing i know, is that my being has reached its capacity of endurance. ive been struggling to prevent the dam from breaking with my fingertips and i am about to be flooded....

big spoon

oh hello, insomnia my old friend. i did not miss you, but alas, you return. how i wish there were a big spoon to hold the little spoon and whisper the sleeplessness away.

lotta looking through today, lotta looking through...it's daggers to the soul.

lotta invisible everyday. enough for a lifetime. more than one person should endure.

so much endured cruelty. can no longer decipher it from kindess. then again, it has been said there is no finer line than that between hate and love...that those we love the most we hurt the most...

24.

it is just about acceptance.

and not hope for change.

and not hope for right.

and not hope for justice of the heart.

maybe it is just about learning that fire-spitting anger will always be there...that mind-paralyzing, body-numbing sadness will always be there...there is no longer existence without those two feelings.....there is only one way to achieve dissipation of them...and it involves a very long life of love-making....of fucking the pain away...as using intimacy as an eraser to all the wrongs we have done to each other. and i cannot do it alone. SL and fantasies do not equate mind-erasing, past-forgiving, unequivocal, intoxicating love.

it has come to be that hope wanes. but shock wears me like the layers of my skin. it does not wane. every day the reality of the void of him, of the rejection of him, of the not good enough of me....still stings, just as if it were the very first moment i learned he refused to catch me.

i hate me.

and i cant seem to think of him as anything more than that ppa that used me as a sex toy for his escape....no intention to ever make good on (empty) promises.

i hate her.

i shall learn to train the mind to use moments of distraction as living....and all the endless hours in between to be the long drought between sips of life.

i looked into the eyes of 24. and i saw a lifetime to be lived. and a reminder of one lost. i saw love and hope and a reflected a cold, closed heart with no room for wondering what if or could be.

what a long, long road this has been. maybe one day i will stop crying. it wont be today. or tomorrow. but it might be one day.

i

am so sad.
am so lonely.
miss him so very much.

this was the great love.

the rest is just through the motions. always was before. always will be after.

can you find me?

this. has. been. theworstweekofmyprofessionallife. i am not sure if i am happy that at least it isn't the worst week of my personal life...or if i am sad, that i have hit a low in my professional life - which is really the only one i have.

i know i am in a place that is roughened with this cold that is setting in - both in my body and in the winter air. i am roughened by the fact that my one place of calm, which is ironically my office - has been turned on its ear. but i was haunted...all day today...about how shitty i felt in mind and body...and how when i got home - no one would be there to hold my body or comfort my mind. and it conjures up sadness. it conjures up anger. when will i let this go!?

i still have so much anger at him for leaving me so broken.

i still spend way too much time thinking about how much i strongly dislike her.

i realize i am in no shape for a relationship. especially one where i would feel so insecure right off the bat. he is loaded. he is practically famous. he is so smart. he must rub elbows with amazing women. for godssakes...spring training has to be littered with 'em.

if i must distill it down....whenever i have been at my lowest moments....people remind me of what i am good at...and pathetically, it is usually my job. well, ive pretty much tanked that. so now what? im obviously terrible at my job. the entire city (thanks, bitch) knows im terrible at relationships. ive put so much distance in every friendship i have, so im no good at that.

im just really tired of feeling betrayed by those ive allowed to be the closest. obviously, dave. but less obviously, is someone like my dad. unbelievable that as i told him about my business plan and my to-be business partner - his first response was "is he interested in you?"....THAT is your first response? THAT is your first question? as if there would be no other reason to go into business with me?! and weirdly, i feel betrayed by my project - by my team and by my client. we all worked so hard. it makes me feel like the last two years of my career have been a complete waste.

i really wonder where i would be right now had i just left in early 08...before everything unraveled. i stayed...because i thought i was staying for something. and i suppose in the end it wasn't for nothing...but it was for nothing good.

this is just not the place i need to be in right now.

and if i weren't sick and pimply-faced and feeling completed wretched and fat and unattractive - i would reach out to be in a different place.

i would really great to wake up one of these days...and not have my first thought be...yep, life still completely fucking blows. and yep, im still completely fucking angry.

spite me.

do you ever think....i'm a bigger person than this? do you ever wonder how you got to that thought when anything you do feels driven by spite?

i can hide it. but i have to be transparent with myself on these pages. tuesdays make me angry. they make me want to do things to to spite tuesdays. tuesday never did anything to me. it's just a poor little day that most people overlook. not hated as much as monday, but certainly not loved as much as anything after midweek.

maybe if i make tuesdays date days i will love tuesdays.

the unbearable lightness of being.

lightness, oh how you weight heavy on the soul. heaviness, oh how relief seems to be the sole tonic for pain.

a weight upon brings pain. a weight removed, a void. which is the truest source of pain? the void? of the absence of a void?

is it even worth the debate? is the lightest, happiest self - the one that can cease the question and just be? just inter-be.

maybe everything that proves to be inconsequential becomes consequential becomes sequential becomes quiet.

left.

this is what my memories of love feel like. practically dust. virtually non-existent. one day there. and poof! one day gone.

i tried distraction. and company is nice. warmth is nice. but it is no substitute. but i also realize, im not looking for a substitute. im just not willing to put myself out there. i barely made it through. why would i possibly put myself out there to get rejected again?

to spill or not to spill?

tis the question....

torn

guilt has arrived with efforts of revival of self. not guilt over past. guilt over present. guilt over future. words and glances and touches bring an instant moment of comfort only to be quickly replaced with an echo of betrayal and hollowness. these feelings are not right. i did not leave. i did not turn my back. i chose him. he chose her. i am doing nothing wrong.

...i am starting to see things differently. so scary. im not sure i can even admit to myself what i think i might know. forever is just around the corner. the hardest goodbye is looming.

...into the looking glass and the reflection is dim, in it a smile that hides so much; and invisible tears that fall by the millions. the water shed is not over lost him, it is over lost me. the endless flood of sorrow screams for how cruel a trick my mind allowed to be played on self. no longer a shroud of trust, confidence, hope nor respect for self.

no soul left to share.

loyalty

loyalty is a funny thing. and for some reason i cant stop thinking about it. ive thought about it all day as a matter of fact. i feel as if i am not being loyal to loml if i am trying to move on. yet - that is ludicrous - because loml has moved on...so what choice do i have?

today has been a strange day.

i wish i could talk about it with someone.

didnt quite make it.

i am disappointed in myself. for as long as i can remember, ive never been quite content with me as me...and ive never been quite content with my significant other as they are.

it is something im so ashamed to admit. it sounds shallow and vain and callous all at once.

there was a time not so long ago, but rapidly dissolving with each passing minute, that i was content with me. and i was content with he. completely. there was a tangibility to 'unconditional'.

for once, i felt as if i loved myself enough to accept my flaws and let someone else completely love them. for once, i saw the flaws of another and they didn't wear on me...they just gave me more to love.

i suppose i cant really be angry for it being taken from me...as i suppose i took first. am i so far off the deep end that i am the only being in this world who believes that 'first' isnt always 'right'? i believe i am. or am i so far into the existentialism that ive learned to value everything and nothing equally?

my sadness is killing me. and not fast enough. and i might welcome death - but not a slow one.

so let me, for my own good, remind myself of how very un-wanted i have been all along. i do it to help form a crust around myself to insluate myself from the pain and to hide from everyone else:

moment of truth: ran home to patch. ignored my inquiries. sent a brief word to give some space.

moment of forced 'break up': not so forced. sat in the very park were things were so tenderly explored months earlier...and said go away.

moment of needing: i tried to be there in every capacity - as a friend - as a lover - as a shoulder. oreos. basketball. comfort food. movies. fun. sex. took all of it and then kept on walking. did not return the favor in my moment of need. watched me walk the 'plank' of the hallway, feigning sadness, but knowing exactly how things would unfold.

moment of a new year, a new potential? i think i want, i think i want...not gonna do, not gonna do...

months of push - pull - push - pull. love and distance. happy always lined with sad. sad taking over everything. two lives. one fake, one real - for him. all real - for me.

the moment of the ask: lolla and mt's merger. please?...nothing.

the end: so cold. never looking back. never to waver.

fucking tuesdays. every week.

every single day. first thing in the morning - last thing at the end of the day....never includes me. never did. never intended to...

so it begs the question...did i truly find the confidence to accept my flaws if they are the only thing i see anymore? was my confidence so ingrained in the words of someone else that i could only believe my worth if he did? at what point did this admired independence melt into this pathetic sluggishness? maybe it was always just a facade and never anything of substance. will i trust myself to accept another as a whole, rather than dwelling on the imperfections? i thought unconditional was supposed to be good....

the irony of this all. is there is no way out and there is no solution. alone, i stand broken. but even if he were by my side, insecurity would be presence in infinite permanence.

i feel foolish that i thought i would be different. that someone would think i would be worth it. that someone would put me first and be happy to do so.

im so tied up in self. this is no way to peace.

buddha would be disappointed.

so am i.

cold...

...bed.
cold heart

welcome to my mind. welcome to hell.

disclaimer: what follows these words are some of the most contradictory, non-sensical and whacked out thoughts that a mind can have. they come with no apologies, no explanation, no fear. enter at your own risk.

hope is a funny thing. it is actually really quite terrible. i think being raised catholic - it perpetuates two things: hope and guilt. niether are good. they generally work against each other and rarely work in tandem. i hate you hope. i hate you guilt.

my hope is for him. my guilt is for me.

i reread all these words i have spilled on these pages for the past months. if it wasn't me in the drivers seat - i would feel sad for this person whose pain does not subside - and i would feel angry at this person who is such an apparent wallower.

i have to move on. because everyone else is. and i am just standing still. godammit.

'im not ready for you'. it is definitive and devoid of hope and in the present tense. it is a direct quote.

as obviously fucked up as it is, i feel like i am betraying PPA by trying to move on....i feel as if i am betraying my feelings and admitting that they meant nothing. my guilt isn't so much for him - because he essentially betrays me every single day. he makes love to someone who isnt me. he gives his love to a woman who isnt me. he goes home to her every single day. he goes on dates with her. my guilt is for me. i feel guilt that i have such a strong feeling for something(one) and i am doing everything in my power to work against it. it just seems....wrong.

my mind is so fucked that i am convinced that she is staying only until she finds someone else, and then she is going to leave him....so i feel guilt over a situation that has never happened. i feel guilt that if this were to happen - i couldn't take him - because i would live my whole life being haunted with the idea that i only have what i wanted because SHE did something about it. not because he did.

my mind is so fucked i dont even know what i want anymore. am i so fixated on not getting what i want - that i havent even paid attention to the fact that maybe i dont even want it anymore? i mean, ive said i never wanted to be second...never wanted to be the consolation prize....but isnt that all that is left? when push came to shove...i got pushed and shoved away. by definition - i am second and that is unchangeable. the love of my life chose me second. what a slap upside the head.

i feel betrayed that my very intimate moments, very special, very meaningful moments got spilled in a report-like confession. i do not like the fact that someone other than me and PPA know when the last time was we made love and where....it is a violation. especially when it gets repeatedly thrown in my face. it feels bastardized.

i have endless jealousy. its killing me. i hear she is skinnier than me. i hear she looks good. i hear she went red (that doesnt make me jealous, i hate red). she has my life. she has my man. i am jealous of married people. i am jealous of divorced people. i am jealous of dead people. i am jealous of sane people.

sex is a must. he is the last person to have touched me. this cannot be. the last person who touched me wakes up with another woman every. single. day. it makes me sick.

i must stop giving so much energy to that which i cannot control. i keep staring in the mirror trying to see something else....trying to see someone else. for the life of me, all i see is someone who looks ugly and old and fat. i see a failure. i see someone who isn't good enough. i cant fucking shake it and im angry at myself for having such low self-worth. i should know better! my mind is just so foggy, i cannot find my way.

fog, fog...go away.

remnants

not much to say about these things. i took them out of their resting place...just to look and feel and remember....

its a new year, but 2k10 doesnt bring the urge for resolutions. resolutions are far to close to wishes, and ive been wishing for way too long...

i want to come home to a warm house and a warm body

i want to cook dinner and while standing at the stove have an arm slip around my waist and a nose nuzzle into my neck

i want to hear about someone's day rather than obsess the way things aren't going my way

i want to forget everything and everyone and never look back

i want to stop obessessing over things that are out of my control

i want to stop despising me

i want to feel real

i want to feel whole

its so pretty