spinning

i cannot get out of this place of mourning, shock and hurt. it is embarassing and tiring that i am still here. the only silver lining is that i am so exhausted of him being such a spineless, passive human...that i am losing my will both to interact with him as well as have strong questions about whether or not he is even the person i thought i loved. i mean, he sits in his relationship 'because the label means something'. yet...he sees me everyday, is cloying with me everyday..there is no way that bitch knows that or would allow that....so how much does that label really mean? really makes me understand that it doesnt mean anything to him...it is just a way for him to tell me he doesnt love me in the most passive of ways ever. i cant understand having a child...but i suspect it brings a feeling of the overwhelming need for for protectiveness. but, in true form, the other line i get...(from both of those assholes) is needing to be together for the child. can i possibly love someone who can be so selfish as to CONCIOUSLY decide to set forth an example of love and family as a dysfunctional coexistence? isnt the path being set for that poor little one not to be able to seek love as an adult bc he has never known it in romantic form?

if i dont believe that he ever loved me, if i dont believe he ever stopped, if i dont believe that he actually just 'coexists' at home, if i still feel like he lies by omission, if he chooses a woman who has a blacker heart than my own and is raising a child in a way i would never allow for my own.....how can i possibly still be whirling in hurt and pain?

...it is because we were different, better people together.

i mourn the loss of those good people and the replacement of them with lesser, unworthy shells of people.