minor confession...

first, can i get any props for the irony of my image (church...confession....get it?)?

so, i get that i can hang on to my beliefs. but i recognize i must let go of my anger and childlike irrationalities. so, im listing those below in the hopes that as i pour them onto (again, cyber)paper - i can read them, and recognize them for how ridiculous and mean the thoughts are. i'm human, i'm hurt, but i dont want to be mean. i want those thoughts to be replaced with peace.

i have anxiety about returning to my life. it will be the real lithmus test about whether or not these weeks away have allowed me to progress as i think i have.

i am fearful about my mind set on your anniversary, which will occur my first week back. i might make myself sick thinking about you celebrating and consumating it. last year on that day - you professed your love for me and took your ring off....as far as i know - it still isnt on.

i daydream that your marraige will fail. (like i said, i'm trying to be honest about the evil thoughts in my head)

i daydream that you are doing this to me, shutting me out, because it is the only way you will achieve peace. i daydream that you are doing this as penance and will come back to me (hello, crazytown)

i could go on - but i realize this is embarassing. even though no one may read these words - i'm embarassed of my thoughts.....

minor revelation....

sitting at the edge of the red river yesterday, dangling my toes in the (freezing!) water, and writing....thinking....observing.....I came to a minor point of enlightenment.

all along i have been struggling on how not to believe what i believe, telling myself i must learn to unhinge everything i hold as truth with regards to darkwing. what i realized, is this is not the case. i can hold my beliefs, but i need to learn to reconcile my beliefs with his actions and to move on with my life. my beliefs are so ingrained in me - if i let them go - i will compromise a huge part of my soul. however, if i continue to hold on to them as hope, i will ruin myself.

in efforts to recognize my beliefs and let them go as my mantras for living, i'm listing them below. maybe by putting those very words that torture my thoughts on (cyber)paper, i can purge myself of the shackles they have me in:

i believe that you loved me. i read and listened to old voicemails and emails. there is so much passion and feeling there - you cannot fake or lie about that.

i believe you have talked yourself out of loving me.

i believe you love her, as a friend.

i believe you will eventually divorce.

i believe you will stay together - you have the model for a 'working relationship' and she is afraid of alone. (yes, i know this one is contradictory...they're my beliefs people - i'm not claiming rationality)

i believe i have to let go of you even though i dont want to.

i believe us, apart, is a huge mistake.

i believe guilt is a small price to pay for happiness (yes, i may have heard this quoted on Desparate Housewives...insert jokes here)

i believe it is selfish to purposely only have one child. (this may seem like left field - see disclaimer under Belief #5)

i believe you miss me, but effectively operate out of sight, out of mind.

i believe you think i am better off (ok, so there might be more than one person out there who thinks this...maybe one day i will be part of that group)

i believe she scared you into staying (at least partially) by using him as leverage: threatening you could never bring him around me; threatening that you could only see him every other weekend.

(contradictory thought #2) i believe she and i are both better off without you.

i believe (now) that i can get through. i know i will never get over.

some things in life are irreparable.

peace...

find it. find it. find it. find it. find it.......

happy birthday, darkwing.

happy birthday, dw.

today is hard.

those are all the words i have.

the (peaceful?) grind...

ok - i'm trying to analyze how i will slide back into my regular life in a little over a week. part of me wishes this, this escape of mine, could be my regular life. but it is the child in me that wants this - that wants to run away and hide from my pain. the adult in me knows i must go back. i must face my pain and stare it down until i can learn to dull it and live with it. i'm trying not to distract. i'm trying to hold my feelings at the forefront.

i've gotten into a routine:

wake up very early (not by my own volition, mind you, i just do - and it's still dark, dammit) with my mind racing. it's quite disappointing to me that my mind is so played out that it only races about one topic - er, person - each morning. sit with my burning charcoals and try to discipline myself to stop obsessing. read a mindless book - get lost in the fiction of someone else's life. read about finding peace, about buddhism, about thich nhat hahn. make coffee. sip it in bed. go to the computer. blog (see?). read old emails exchanged with darkwing. cry........................cry...............................cry. warm up my coffee. cry. reassure ashby i'm fine as he sits at my feet with concern. pull it together. finish blogging. go hiking. curse the altitude and my lack of being in shape. take moments to enjoy the beautiful landscape (and catch my breath). breathe. be mindful (one step, two steps). go to yoga. breathe. push constant thoughts of darkwing from my head. push to achieve silence in my mind for at least a few minutes a day. come home (funny i refer to this as home). shower. enjoy warm water washing over me. pray it is a baptism to wash away pain (hasnt happened yet, fyi). lots of hot tea. sip it as a time for calm (in true naz form, i have traded one compulsion - bottomless glass of wine anyone? - with another). paint. when i paint, i can usually concentrate only on colors, on textures. sleep. i can sleep now.

grief.

grief is something we all have in common. everyone - at least once in their life - experiences it. we may all have it in common, but grief looks different on each person.

they say there are five stages:

denial

anger

bargaining

depression

acceptance


grief for me is physical. it is constricting. it is palpable. it is a heavy, wet blanket that slows me down. i am a slug.

in the past i have stuck in distraction and denial for far too long, which allowed me to come back to reality only when enough time had passed that i could 'skip' to acceptance. this time that will not work. there is not enough time in all of eternity to allow me to distract long enough to no longer feel what i feel now. i suspect people look at me as weak, as dramatic, as obsessed, as stalled. i guess i may be all of those things. but i know what i've lost. maybe it was never there. maybe it was never reciprocated. maybe darkwing isnt even capable of it. but i believed.

maybe i am better off because i am free to find someone who can be more real, who knows how to love. maybe i will believe that someday.

simple versus easy...

meditation. seems so easy. but that is not the case. it is simple. but it is anything but easy. what a novel idea: simple versus easy. i keep saying i want a simple life. this is accurate. but maybe what i have been striving for is an easy one. im always telling darkwing that he overcomplicates. everyone overcomplicates. and maybe this is because it is easier to do so. maybe simple is just too difficult. im not being too articulate about this. and maybe it is because for the last 90 minutes i have been thrashing my brain to let go of words and feelings and just to be. to be without thought. or maybe because it is such a simple concept, it is not easy to express.

things that are simple, yet not easy - thus oftentimes we choose the complicated path:

simple: give someone a criticism. easy: tell other people the criticism of that person.

simple: follow your heart. easy: follow others' expecatations

simple: maintain long, meaningful friendships. easy: make new friends.

others?

my pile of letters....

dear mom and dad:
im sorry i cannot open up to you. i know you want me to find my happy. im trying. i know you want to know what is going on. but i cant let you in. i just dont want to. we are too different. i know this divide between us grows larger. but i need this space. i need to be lost and sad and wander on my own. you are amazing parents. but you cannot fix this. you cannot fix me. i was so close to everything i ever wanted...and it all slipped away. i need to re-imagine dreams; re-think happiness; re-visit who i am. your rigidity is not conducive to this. you've both had such easy paths. you see me with such rosy glasses. how can you possibly help me. please just let me flail for awhile and trust that i'll come back someday.


dear e:
you are my savior. i found in you a best friend. how lucky i am that you are my sister. you have been trying to pick up the pieces of me for months now. your strength is inspiring. you are inspiring. i hurt that i cannot be a better, stronger sister + friend to you right now. i have so much pain to swallow. it is hard to look beyond the end of my own nose. but i am getting there. please be patient with me. i know you have unending patience for my process. thank you for being my anger when i was too scared to show it. thank you for being my crutch when i could not stand on my own. thank you for trying to protect me. in the end, just thank you for always being there. i would not be here without you being there.


dear mt:
there is this gap. i dont trust myself enough these days to be able to pinpoint the exactness of it. but there is definitely a gap. i feel like i was not a good best friend to you during this very special time in your life. this last year you got to prepare and plan for your merger. i hope you didnt notice, but i was not completely there for you. maybe on the surface, but not deep down. deep down i was jealous. i was sad. i was even a little mad. i feel like you abandoned me when i really needed (need) you. you might not agree with the situation i am (was) in. but i needed my friend. were you angry or hurt because it took so long for me to spill? were you so shocked by my position that you now see me differently? have i hid so much of me from you that you cant imagine how hard this has been for me - both in the good times and the bad? for all times you have been my confidant? did you have some jealousy towards DarkWing because for the first time in our friendship, you came second? i cant imagine that is the case. but i never thought of all the suport i have gotten, that you would have provided the least. i miss my friend.


dear irish james:
my apologies a thousand times over. we were such a terrible match. but nothing changes that you have such a big heart. you are goodness to the core. my wish for you is that you find a way to dissolve your anger. your soul is in such knots, it overshadows your heart. i was so distracted by your lack of peace i kept trying to 'fix' the wrong things. though im forever sorry for being the person i ultimately was with you - i will always be happy that our fucked up path led you to a much brighter one. i hope you find your peace and your place in this world. i just know someday i will feel the warmth in my heart that tells me you have.


dear ty:
you, my dear friend, are one strong woman. i am haunted by the sounds of your muffled tears in my guest room and by the heaviness in my heart as i lay in my room trying to conjure up the words to help you through the most difficult time of your life. i laid there squeezing my eyes tight and praying to god that it wasnt happening: that i never got the phone call, that you never got the phone call, that luke never went in that house.... i sometimes walk by the guest room when the door is closed and remember sitting outside the bedroom, pressing my ear against the door to see if you had fallen asleep, thanking god that you had found at least a moment of rest. and here you are, 18 months later - and you are putting one foot in front of the other. im so proud of you. im so in awe of you. keeping walking, friend. keep walking.


dear "losh":
im sorry i cried when you told me that you and steph were having a baby. that was selfish. i was in a weird place. i'm so happy for you guys, truly. i cant wait to meet, spoil and corrupt my little niece. im throwing the big sister role right out the window and going for super fun aunt.


dear catfish:
thank you. your calmness, your peace, your perspective, your words are constantly running through my head. when im spiraling - i breath and i hear your words. i am searching for the tears of joy. i have found a few. i have found many more ones of sorrow - but i am trying to sit with them and feel them rather than push them away. thank you for not juding. for trusting. for being.

the four noble truths....

i went to my first guided meditation class tonite. the four noble truths of buddhism will become my mantra. i will try to embrace them:

1. Life sucks. You can be sure of it. Things might get good, but they will most definitely suck again. Likely, when you least expect the sucking to ensue. If you can embrace this, you can learn to love the sucky part of life just as much as the non-sucky.

2. Life sucks because we cling to impermanent things. Translation: we make things overcomplicated (where have i heard this before? oh wait, i tell him that daily....)

3. We can overcome the sucky things in life through relieving ourselves of our clinginess to silly things.

4. The eightfold path leads the way to nirvana. more to come on the 8-fold. i mean, it was just one class after all....

a recipe for rebirth

3 weeks away from life as i know it, with so much hope for healing but expectations for nothing...

- yoga often

- meditate more

- practice mindful breathing

- painting what's in my soul

- no alcohol: stop abusing my body + mind

- exercise

- eat well, eat little - be mindful of what goes into my body

- read alot of thich nhat hahn

will all this new-age crap help? i dont know. but i know they are the only tools at hand to let go, move on, live on. do i even believe it is crap? no. i very much believe in all of it. but i'm not yet sure where the line is drawn between distraction and healing....

a positive note: at least i'm content with living. for a while there, i wanted nothing to do with it.

suffering..

'one of the main causes of our suffering is the seed of anger inside of us' - thich nhat hanh

how do i let the seed go? i feel anger, but am not angry. i feel sorry for him. am i repressing anger? am i fooling myself into thinking i am not angry because i am trying to be better, bigger than 'her'?

i want to flush out my anger. it is three-fold.

at him: how could he do this to me? how? why love me if you knew you wouldnt have the balls to do something about it? you hung onto me as a crutch for over a year - until you were able to musted enough strength to walk away. fuck you for dishing me that hurt and then leaving me to deal with it all alone.

at her: how can she possibly still want to be with him? how? i am angry that she has no compassion for him. she told me as much. she told me she has only anger towards him. for the time i've known her - it's always been about her. her way. fuck you for not cherishing what you have.

at me: how could i have been so stupid? how? how could i have invested and risked everything? why can i not accept reality? more importantly, how can i possibly think that i deserve someone so shallow, spineless and conformist? do i even want to be with him or am i just stubborn and prideful?

a letter to fall on deaf ears...

dear loml,

how do you erase me as if i never existed? how do you forge ahead towards an uncertain future? how do you do things for your son only to follow in the footsteps of your parents knowing those footsteps left you with so much confusion and pain? i wonder how you made a decision when never isolating yourself with your choices. how can i recover from the great loss of my great love? how have you managed to quickly fall out of love, never look back? do the constraints of societal rules mean so much to you that you won't let me catch you?

i will never have anger and hate towards you. i may have moments of anger, but they will subside. i know you all too well to let my hurt become anger. i really know you. how can i be angry with someone who holds so much confusion, insecurity and doubt? i might be the only one who really knows you.

you are the only one who really knows me. no shame, no embarassment, nothing but plain me, just as i come. i miss you, loml. things are not whole. the other day you used the reference, 'walking with no legs'. of course, it was not in reference to us. but it is so applicable, no?

you always said, if it is meant to be, it will be. i still believe it is. but you do not. how? how can you possibly not? you both use him as a shroud: a shroud of your fears. yours, to be a deadbeat. hers, to be broken. but all is as we look at it. always.

you said soulmate to me. only me.

you are comfort in the most atypical ways. you love my feet. that is weird. you are weird and i love you. see? it's all meant to be :)

i feel like ive fought my whole life to not be a cliche: not the dumb blonde; not the greedy american; not the careless colleague; not the midwestern housewife; not the girly girl;

you loved all those things and in one fell swoop erased everything and left me as the most raped cliche of all.

im struggling to find meaning; to trust myself; to breathe.

do you have trouble breathing? somehow i doubt it....

habibti, i hope you find your way home.

music to pick up your mood

i have a few suggested tunes - even if it is only for a few minutes...it will cheer you up.

atlas sound walkabout. Deerhunter - Panda Bear collaboration gets a thumbs up by me for at the very least getting my toes tapping http://myoldkyhome.blogspot.com/2009/07/new-song-atlas-sound-walkabout-ft-panda.html

speech debelle ft. micachu better days. She just won the mercury music award for good reason.

http://www.spinner.com/2009/08/20/speech-debelle-better-days-revox-feat-wiley-free-mp3-of-t/

the xx crystalised. where has this band been all my life. http://www.myspace.com/thexx

and maybe for good measure, the mars volta. doesnt really matter what song, as long as you can visualize Cedric pole dancing with his mic stand. saw a recent show and it was enertaining to say the least.

im searching

i've decided to take a 3-week hiatus from my life. i packed up my car and headed west. upon my departure, a friend encouraged me to 'find my tears of joy'. i did just that, in the smallest of ways:

driving from cimarron to taos, new mexico - there was a fleeting moment where i looked around as my car swiftly tackled the curving roads...and all i could see were mountains and fields. all i could hear was the most perfect song that the radio could have granted me: kid cudi's pursuit of happiness. http://prettymuchamazing.com/music/kid-cudi-pursuit-of-happiness-ft-mgmt-ratatat

but i must emphasize - the moment has passed. and now i sit in this perfectly serene, quiet mountain town...and find myself more lonely than ever.

i feel forgotten and dismissed.

how do i sit with my 'burning charcoals' and not get burned?

how do i swallow pain and pride to find peace?

how do i accept defeat, rejection, loss and lies with grace?

how do i let go when i dont want to?

i wish someone out there had all the answers....