ok - i'm trying to analyze how i will slide back into my regular life in a little over a week. part of me wishes this, this escape of mine, could be my regular life. but it is the child in me that wants this - that wants to run away and hide from my pain. the adult in me knows i must go back. i must face my pain and stare it down until i can learn to dull it and live with it. i'm trying not to distract. i'm trying to hold my feelings at the forefront.
i've gotten into a routine:
wake up very early (not by my own volition, mind you, i just do - and it's still dark, dammit) with my mind racing. it's quite disappointing to me that my mind is so played out that it only races about one topic - er, person - each morning. sit with my burning charcoals and try to discipline myself to stop obsessing. read a mindless book - get lost in the fiction of someone else's life. read about finding peace, about buddhism, about thich nhat hahn. make coffee. sip it in bed. go to the computer. blog (see?). read old emails exchanged with darkwing. cry........................cry...............................cry. warm up my coffee. cry. reassure ashby i'm fine as he sits at my feet with concern. pull it together. finish blogging. go hiking. curse the altitude and my lack of being in shape. take moments to enjoy the beautiful landscape (and catch my breath). breathe. be mindful (one step, two steps). go to yoga. breathe. push constant thoughts of darkwing from my head. push to achieve silence in my mind for at least a few minutes a day. come home (funny i refer to this as home). shower. enjoy warm water washing over me. pray it is a baptism to wash away pain (hasnt happened yet, fyi). lots of hot tea. sip it as a time for calm (in true naz form, i have traded one compulsion - bottomless glass of wine anyone? - with another). paint. when i paint, i can usually concentrate only on colors, on textures. sleep. i can sleep now.
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