my pile of letters....

dear mom and dad:
im sorry i cannot open up to you. i know you want me to find my happy. im trying. i know you want to know what is going on. but i cant let you in. i just dont want to. we are too different. i know this divide between us grows larger. but i need this space. i need to be lost and sad and wander on my own. you are amazing parents. but you cannot fix this. you cannot fix me. i was so close to everything i ever wanted...and it all slipped away. i need to re-imagine dreams; re-think happiness; re-visit who i am. your rigidity is not conducive to this. you've both had such easy paths. you see me with such rosy glasses. how can you possibly help me. please just let me flail for awhile and trust that i'll come back someday.


dear e:
you are my savior. i found in you a best friend. how lucky i am that you are my sister. you have been trying to pick up the pieces of me for months now. your strength is inspiring. you are inspiring. i hurt that i cannot be a better, stronger sister + friend to you right now. i have so much pain to swallow. it is hard to look beyond the end of my own nose. but i am getting there. please be patient with me. i know you have unending patience for my process. thank you for being my anger when i was too scared to show it. thank you for being my crutch when i could not stand on my own. thank you for trying to protect me. in the end, just thank you for always being there. i would not be here without you being there.


dear mt:
there is this gap. i dont trust myself enough these days to be able to pinpoint the exactness of it. but there is definitely a gap. i feel like i was not a good best friend to you during this very special time in your life. this last year you got to prepare and plan for your merger. i hope you didnt notice, but i was not completely there for you. maybe on the surface, but not deep down. deep down i was jealous. i was sad. i was even a little mad. i feel like you abandoned me when i really needed (need) you. you might not agree with the situation i am (was) in. but i needed my friend. were you angry or hurt because it took so long for me to spill? were you so shocked by my position that you now see me differently? have i hid so much of me from you that you cant imagine how hard this has been for me - both in the good times and the bad? for all times you have been my confidant? did you have some jealousy towards DarkWing because for the first time in our friendship, you came second? i cant imagine that is the case. but i never thought of all the suport i have gotten, that you would have provided the least. i miss my friend.


dear irish james:
my apologies a thousand times over. we were such a terrible match. but nothing changes that you have such a big heart. you are goodness to the core. my wish for you is that you find a way to dissolve your anger. your soul is in such knots, it overshadows your heart. i was so distracted by your lack of peace i kept trying to 'fix' the wrong things. though im forever sorry for being the person i ultimately was with you - i will always be happy that our fucked up path led you to a much brighter one. i hope you find your peace and your place in this world. i just know someday i will feel the warmth in my heart that tells me you have.


dear ty:
you, my dear friend, are one strong woman. i am haunted by the sounds of your muffled tears in my guest room and by the heaviness in my heart as i lay in my room trying to conjure up the words to help you through the most difficult time of your life. i laid there squeezing my eyes tight and praying to god that it wasnt happening: that i never got the phone call, that you never got the phone call, that luke never went in that house.... i sometimes walk by the guest room when the door is closed and remember sitting outside the bedroom, pressing my ear against the door to see if you had fallen asleep, thanking god that you had found at least a moment of rest. and here you are, 18 months later - and you are putting one foot in front of the other. im so proud of you. im so in awe of you. keeping walking, friend. keep walking.


dear "losh":
im sorry i cried when you told me that you and steph were having a baby. that was selfish. i was in a weird place. i'm so happy for you guys, truly. i cant wait to meet, spoil and corrupt my little niece. im throwing the big sister role right out the window and going for super fun aunt.


dear catfish:
thank you. your calmness, your peace, your perspective, your words are constantly running through my head. when im spiraling - i breath and i hear your words. i am searching for the tears of joy. i have found a few. i have found many more ones of sorrow - but i am trying to sit with them and feel them rather than push them away. thank you for not juding. for trusting. for being.