first, can i get any props for the irony of my image (church...confession....get it?)?so, i get that i can hang on to my beliefs. but i recognize i must let go of my anger and childlike irrationalities. so, im listing those below in the hopes that as i pour them onto (again, cyber)paper - i can read them, and recognize them for how ridiculous and mean the thoughts are. i'm human, i'm hurt, but i dont want to be mean. i want those thoughts to be replaced with peace.
i have anxiety about returning to my life. it will be the real lithmus test about whether or not these weeks away have allowed me to progress as i think i have.
i am fearful about my mind set on your anniversary, which will occur my first week back. i might make myself sick thinking about you celebrating and consumating it. last year on that day - you professed your love for me and took your ring off....as far as i know - it still isnt on.
i daydream that your marraige will fail. (like i said, i'm trying to be honest about the evil thoughts in my head)
i daydream that you are doing this to me, shutting me out, because it is the only way you will achieve peace. i daydream that you are doing this as penance and will come back to me (hello, crazytown)
i could go on - but i realize this is embarassing. even though no one may read these words - i'm embarassed of my thoughts.....
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