the midnight mind flush.

reading about buddha and zen and inner peace. the writings talk so much about focusing on the present. recognize that the past is gone, that the future is nothing but a dream...strive to live in reality, to let go of the perceptions created by the complexity of our minds. this complexity leads to drama and misunderstanding and hope and expectation and failure and depression.

i can understand the rationale of this. but to DO it, to really do it....it seems impossibly daunting and makes me tired to just think about it. but i will try to be mindful of this. it may just save me.

i must dispel my hurt, jealousy, anger and sadness. this may be my path....

hello honesty: sane me.

happy moments from today:

- yoga. i love to stretch.
- walking in the misting rain sipping very hot tea.
- wearing a hat low over my eyes....a safety blanket
- smelling him. i love his laundry smell.
- a good cry. my daily relief from pretending.

i get it.

yep, i get it. i am the only one that can make my peace, that can make my happy. i am the only one that makes me sad, mad or otherwise. i also cannot bring peace or happy to anyone else, anyone who doesnt already have peace and happy.

it is such a simple thing. but it is so elusive in practice. it is so seemingly unattainable.

i am sad. i am angry. i am lonely. but HE doesnt cause me those things: i do. he cant solve those things for me. he cant solve them for anyone. no one can. we only have the power for self.

somehow these writings have lost focus of recognizing happy moments...so let me ponder on a few from the weekend....

...laughs over thai food with unexpected company
...golf balls at dusk
...meditation and strangers on a fall day
...yoga on a quiet morning
...gardening in the breeze
...cold beer nightcap
...fuzzy blanket
...pedicure and foot massage
...football sunday
...feeling proud of e for pinching an aorta and for being excited about it

breathe in...breathe out....live in reality. not in perception.
...

slippery slope

i feel like im on a slippery slope. it was as if i shed a layer of sludge and it is now creeping back up and around me. i feel the heaviness of lonely starting to suffocate me again. i feel the sadness starting to hold all my thoughts.

i miss him so much.

fuck.

i havent felt like this in over a month. im so wrecked + disappointed to face the realization of the progress i have NOT made. it appears disillusion is my only real achievement.

i feel used and abused. still.

i feel lonely and hidden. always.

im trying so hard....but it's running to stand still.

at least i've realized one thing that i have been resisting for so long: i have to leave. it is time for somewhere new. this, this cannot go on.

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you struggle to breath - you just suffocate? like the more you move - the more you move, the more you stand still? it is as if i am cutting the strands of the web as fast as i can move my hands....yet the spider is winning. i want nothing more than to be free, yet nothing more than to be caught.

the madness is deafening.

crazy, much?

ok - so in efforts to maintain my peace balance....i must spill. because i feel like a mind fuck is brewing.

perception: he is making every effort to flirt. to be friendly. to make sure i know he is out there. to make sure he can communicate in only the most plutonic of words that he loves me.

reality: megan is a fucking loon. he is trying to extend friendship. no one wants to work in a hostile environment. nothing has changed. he sits at home. he goes to counseling. he WENT to counseling, tonite, as a matter of fact. he does nothing for you. and everything for him. megan - MOVE ON.

feelings: i feel like everything is an onion. layers and layers. all the same. all different.

i would like to get off the merry-go-round now.

one whole week.

one whole week back in my life. back to my house. back to my job. back to my routine. all is so different. all is so much same.

i thought today would be terrible for reasons that will remain unstated.

it was actually ok. and even know - i sit and type with tear stained cheeks - but it is ok. i am learning to sit with all my feelings and embrace them: even the unpleasant ones.

i would, however, suggest NOT reading old emails from one year ago, especially on significant day......ala waterworks.

i think these tears tonite are laced with alot of feeling.

i miss him. tears.

i miss who i was before i was this shell. tears.

i dont want to be left. tears.

i think he tried to tell me for a long time that he wouldn't catch me. tears.

i caused so much pain. tears. i never wanted to be that person to anyone.

i am listening to sun kil moon albums. most depressing songs in the world. tears.

i still really love him. i am embarassed to admit it. tears.

i cant find it in my heart to want him to be happy unless he is with me. that is SO selfish it sickens me. tears.

i am fighting myself so hard NOT to reach out. it is a constant, CONSTANT battle. so far i have won.....but i am skeptical of how long i can keep it up. tears.

a small win - i can now hide my sadness from everyone and only break down in the walls of this room where no one can see....no one can hear.....

some good things...

right now, for this moment, i am going to try to focus on the good things about my life. right now.

i work for people that recognize the value of a 'mental break' and allowed me to take 3 weeks off of work.

i have a job to return to.

my friends painted me an awesome mural on the fence at my house. it is colorful and funky and wonderfully weird and it brightens my day every time i look at it.

i am healthy (i think....)

ugh...that's all i got. i know there are more. as soon as i can get my head outta my ass - i will add to this.