one whole week.

one whole week back in my life. back to my house. back to my job. back to my routine. all is so different. all is so much same.

i thought today would be terrible for reasons that will remain unstated.

it was actually ok. and even know - i sit and type with tear stained cheeks - but it is ok. i am learning to sit with all my feelings and embrace them: even the unpleasant ones.

i would, however, suggest NOT reading old emails from one year ago, especially on significant day......ala waterworks.

i think these tears tonite are laced with alot of feeling.

i miss him. tears.

i miss who i was before i was this shell. tears.

i dont want to be left. tears.

i think he tried to tell me for a long time that he wouldn't catch me. tears.

i caused so much pain. tears. i never wanted to be that person to anyone.

i am listening to sun kil moon albums. most depressing songs in the world. tears.

i still really love him. i am embarassed to admit it. tears.

i cant find it in my heart to want him to be happy unless he is with me. that is SO selfish it sickens me. tears.

i am fighting myself so hard NOT to reach out. it is a constant, CONSTANT battle. so far i have won.....but i am skeptical of how long i can keep it up. tears.

a small win - i can now hide my sadness from everyone and only break down in the walls of this room where no one can see....no one can hear.....