i

am so sad.
am so lonely.
miss him so very much.

this was the great love.

the rest is just through the motions. always was before. always will be after.

can you find me?

this. has. been. theworstweekofmyprofessionallife. i am not sure if i am happy that at least it isn't the worst week of my personal life...or if i am sad, that i have hit a low in my professional life - which is really the only one i have.

i know i am in a place that is roughened with this cold that is setting in - both in my body and in the winter air. i am roughened by the fact that my one place of calm, which is ironically my office - has been turned on its ear. but i was haunted...all day today...about how shitty i felt in mind and body...and how when i got home - no one would be there to hold my body or comfort my mind. and it conjures up sadness. it conjures up anger. when will i let this go!?

i still have so much anger at him for leaving me so broken.

i still spend way too much time thinking about how much i strongly dislike her.

i realize i am in no shape for a relationship. especially one where i would feel so insecure right off the bat. he is loaded. he is practically famous. he is so smart. he must rub elbows with amazing women. for godssakes...spring training has to be littered with 'em.

if i must distill it down....whenever i have been at my lowest moments....people remind me of what i am good at...and pathetically, it is usually my job. well, ive pretty much tanked that. so now what? im obviously terrible at my job. the entire city (thanks, bitch) knows im terrible at relationships. ive put so much distance in every friendship i have, so im no good at that.

im just really tired of feeling betrayed by those ive allowed to be the closest. obviously, dave. but less obviously, is someone like my dad. unbelievable that as i told him about my business plan and my to-be business partner - his first response was "is he interested in you?"....THAT is your first response? THAT is your first question? as if there would be no other reason to go into business with me?! and weirdly, i feel betrayed by my project - by my team and by my client. we all worked so hard. it makes me feel like the last two years of my career have been a complete waste.

i really wonder where i would be right now had i just left in early 08...before everything unraveled. i stayed...because i thought i was staying for something. and i suppose in the end it wasn't for nothing...but it was for nothing good.

this is just not the place i need to be in right now.

and if i weren't sick and pimply-faced and feeling completed wretched and fat and unattractive - i would reach out to be in a different place.

i would really great to wake up one of these days...and not have my first thought be...yep, life still completely fucking blows. and yep, im still completely fucking angry.

spite me.

do you ever think....i'm a bigger person than this? do you ever wonder how you got to that thought when anything you do feels driven by spite?

i can hide it. but i have to be transparent with myself on these pages. tuesdays make me angry. they make me want to do things to to spite tuesdays. tuesday never did anything to me. it's just a poor little day that most people overlook. not hated as much as monday, but certainly not loved as much as anything after midweek.

maybe if i make tuesdays date days i will love tuesdays.

the unbearable lightness of being.

lightness, oh how you weight heavy on the soul. heaviness, oh how relief seems to be the sole tonic for pain.

a weight upon brings pain. a weight removed, a void. which is the truest source of pain? the void? of the absence of a void?

is it even worth the debate? is the lightest, happiest self - the one that can cease the question and just be? just inter-be.

maybe everything that proves to be inconsequential becomes consequential becomes sequential becomes quiet.

left.

this is what my memories of love feel like. practically dust. virtually non-existent. one day there. and poof! one day gone.

i tried distraction. and company is nice. warmth is nice. but it is no substitute. but i also realize, im not looking for a substitute. im just not willing to put myself out there. i barely made it through. why would i possibly put myself out there to get rejected again?

to spill or not to spill?

tis the question....

torn

guilt has arrived with efforts of revival of self. not guilt over past. guilt over present. guilt over future. words and glances and touches bring an instant moment of comfort only to be quickly replaced with an echo of betrayal and hollowness. these feelings are not right. i did not leave. i did not turn my back. i chose him. he chose her. i am doing nothing wrong.

...i am starting to see things differently. so scary. im not sure i can even admit to myself what i think i might know. forever is just around the corner. the hardest goodbye is looming.

...into the looking glass and the reflection is dim, in it a smile that hides so much; and invisible tears that fall by the millions. the water shed is not over lost him, it is over lost me. the endless flood of sorrow screams for how cruel a trick my mind allowed to be played on self. no longer a shroud of trust, confidence, hope nor respect for self.

no soul left to share.

loyalty

loyalty is a funny thing. and for some reason i cant stop thinking about it. ive thought about it all day as a matter of fact. i feel as if i am not being loyal to loml if i am trying to move on. yet - that is ludicrous - because loml has moved on...so what choice do i have?

today has been a strange day.

i wish i could talk about it with someone.

didnt quite make it.

i am disappointed in myself. for as long as i can remember, ive never been quite content with me as me...and ive never been quite content with my significant other as they are.

it is something im so ashamed to admit. it sounds shallow and vain and callous all at once.

there was a time not so long ago, but rapidly dissolving with each passing minute, that i was content with me. and i was content with he. completely. there was a tangibility to 'unconditional'.

for once, i felt as if i loved myself enough to accept my flaws and let someone else completely love them. for once, i saw the flaws of another and they didn't wear on me...they just gave me more to love.

i suppose i cant really be angry for it being taken from me...as i suppose i took first. am i so far off the deep end that i am the only being in this world who believes that 'first' isnt always 'right'? i believe i am. or am i so far into the existentialism that ive learned to value everything and nothing equally?

my sadness is killing me. and not fast enough. and i might welcome death - but not a slow one.

so let me, for my own good, remind myself of how very un-wanted i have been all along. i do it to help form a crust around myself to insluate myself from the pain and to hide from everyone else:

moment of truth: ran home to patch. ignored my inquiries. sent a brief word to give some space.

moment of forced 'break up': not so forced. sat in the very park were things were so tenderly explored months earlier...and said go away.

moment of needing: i tried to be there in every capacity - as a friend - as a lover - as a shoulder. oreos. basketball. comfort food. movies. fun. sex. took all of it and then kept on walking. did not return the favor in my moment of need. watched me walk the 'plank' of the hallway, feigning sadness, but knowing exactly how things would unfold.

moment of a new year, a new potential? i think i want, i think i want...not gonna do, not gonna do...

months of push - pull - push - pull. love and distance. happy always lined with sad. sad taking over everything. two lives. one fake, one real - for him. all real - for me.

the moment of the ask: lolla and mt's merger. please?...nothing.

the end: so cold. never looking back. never to waver.

fucking tuesdays. every week.

every single day. first thing in the morning - last thing at the end of the day....never includes me. never did. never intended to...

so it begs the question...did i truly find the confidence to accept my flaws if they are the only thing i see anymore? was my confidence so ingrained in the words of someone else that i could only believe my worth if he did? at what point did this admired independence melt into this pathetic sluggishness? maybe it was always just a facade and never anything of substance. will i trust myself to accept another as a whole, rather than dwelling on the imperfections? i thought unconditional was supposed to be good....

the irony of this all. is there is no way out and there is no solution. alone, i stand broken. but even if he were by my side, insecurity would be presence in infinite permanence.

i feel foolish that i thought i would be different. that someone would think i would be worth it. that someone would put me first and be happy to do so.

im so tied up in self. this is no way to peace.

buddha would be disappointed.

so am i.

cold...

...bed.
cold heart

welcome to my mind. welcome to hell.

disclaimer: what follows these words are some of the most contradictory, non-sensical and whacked out thoughts that a mind can have. they come with no apologies, no explanation, no fear. enter at your own risk.

hope is a funny thing. it is actually really quite terrible. i think being raised catholic - it perpetuates two things: hope and guilt. niether are good. they generally work against each other and rarely work in tandem. i hate you hope. i hate you guilt.

my hope is for him. my guilt is for me.

i reread all these words i have spilled on these pages for the past months. if it wasn't me in the drivers seat - i would feel sad for this person whose pain does not subside - and i would feel angry at this person who is such an apparent wallower.

i have to move on. because everyone else is. and i am just standing still. godammit.

'im not ready for you'. it is definitive and devoid of hope and in the present tense. it is a direct quote.

as obviously fucked up as it is, i feel like i am betraying PPA by trying to move on....i feel as if i am betraying my feelings and admitting that they meant nothing. my guilt isn't so much for him - because he essentially betrays me every single day. he makes love to someone who isnt me. he gives his love to a woman who isnt me. he goes home to her every single day. he goes on dates with her. my guilt is for me. i feel guilt that i have such a strong feeling for something(one) and i am doing everything in my power to work against it. it just seems....wrong.

my mind is so fucked that i am convinced that she is staying only until she finds someone else, and then she is going to leave him....so i feel guilt over a situation that has never happened. i feel guilt that if this were to happen - i couldn't take him - because i would live my whole life being haunted with the idea that i only have what i wanted because SHE did something about it. not because he did.

my mind is so fucked i dont even know what i want anymore. am i so fixated on not getting what i want - that i havent even paid attention to the fact that maybe i dont even want it anymore? i mean, ive said i never wanted to be second...never wanted to be the consolation prize....but isnt that all that is left? when push came to shove...i got pushed and shoved away. by definition - i am second and that is unchangeable. the love of my life chose me second. what a slap upside the head.

i feel betrayed that my very intimate moments, very special, very meaningful moments got spilled in a report-like confession. i do not like the fact that someone other than me and PPA know when the last time was we made love and where....it is a violation. especially when it gets repeatedly thrown in my face. it feels bastardized.

i have endless jealousy. its killing me. i hear she is skinnier than me. i hear she looks good. i hear she went red (that doesnt make me jealous, i hate red). she has my life. she has my man. i am jealous of married people. i am jealous of divorced people. i am jealous of dead people. i am jealous of sane people.

sex is a must. he is the last person to have touched me. this cannot be. the last person who touched me wakes up with another woman every. single. day. it makes me sick.

i must stop giving so much energy to that which i cannot control. i keep staring in the mirror trying to see something else....trying to see someone else. for the life of me, all i see is someone who looks ugly and old and fat. i see a failure. i see someone who isn't good enough. i cant fucking shake it and im angry at myself for having such low self-worth. i should know better! my mind is just so foggy, i cannot find my way.

fog, fog...go away.

remnants

not much to say about these things. i took them out of their resting place...just to look and feel and remember....

its a new year, but 2k10 doesnt bring the urge for resolutions. resolutions are far to close to wishes, and ive been wishing for way too long...

i want to come home to a warm house and a warm body

i want to cook dinner and while standing at the stove have an arm slip around my waist and a nose nuzzle into my neck

i want to hear about someone's day rather than obsess the way things aren't going my way

i want to forget everything and everyone and never look back

i want to stop obessessing over things that are out of my control

i want to stop despising me

i want to feel real

i want to feel whole

its so pretty