can you find me?

this. has. been. theworstweekofmyprofessionallife. i am not sure if i am happy that at least it isn't the worst week of my personal life...or if i am sad, that i have hit a low in my professional life - which is really the only one i have.

i know i am in a place that is roughened with this cold that is setting in - both in my body and in the winter air. i am roughened by the fact that my one place of calm, which is ironically my office - has been turned on its ear. but i was haunted...all day today...about how shitty i felt in mind and body...and how when i got home - no one would be there to hold my body or comfort my mind. and it conjures up sadness. it conjures up anger. when will i let this go!?

i still have so much anger at him for leaving me so broken.

i still spend way too much time thinking about how much i strongly dislike her.

i realize i am in no shape for a relationship. especially one where i would feel so insecure right off the bat. he is loaded. he is practically famous. he is so smart. he must rub elbows with amazing women. for godssakes...spring training has to be littered with 'em.

if i must distill it down....whenever i have been at my lowest moments....people remind me of what i am good at...and pathetically, it is usually my job. well, ive pretty much tanked that. so now what? im obviously terrible at my job. the entire city (thanks, bitch) knows im terrible at relationships. ive put so much distance in every friendship i have, so im no good at that.

im just really tired of feeling betrayed by those ive allowed to be the closest. obviously, dave. but less obviously, is someone like my dad. unbelievable that as i told him about my business plan and my to-be business partner - his first response was "is he interested in you?"....THAT is your first response? THAT is your first question? as if there would be no other reason to go into business with me?! and weirdly, i feel betrayed by my project - by my team and by my client. we all worked so hard. it makes me feel like the last two years of my career have been a complete waste.

i really wonder where i would be right now had i just left in early 08...before everything unraveled. i stayed...because i thought i was staying for something. and i suppose in the end it wasn't for nothing...but it was for nothing good.

this is just not the place i need to be in right now.

and if i weren't sick and pimply-faced and feeling completed wretched and fat and unattractive - i would reach out to be in a different place.

i would really great to wake up one of these days...and not have my first thought be...yep, life still completely fucking blows. and yep, im still completely fucking angry.