disclaimer: what follows these words are some of the most contradictory, non-sensical and whacked out thoughts that a mind can have. they come with no apologies, no explanation, no fear. enter at your own risk.
hope is a funny thing. it is actually really quite terrible. i think being raised catholic - it perpetuates two things: hope and guilt. niether are good. they generally work against each other and rarely work in tandem. i hate you hope. i hate you guilt.
my hope is for him. my guilt is for me.
i reread all these words i have spilled on these pages for the past months. if it wasn't me in the drivers seat - i would feel sad for this person whose pain does not subside - and i would feel angry at this person who is such an apparent wallower.
i have to move on. because everyone else is. and i am just standing still. godammit.
'im not ready for you'. it is definitive and devoid of hope and in the present tense. it is a direct quote.
as obviously fucked up as it is, i feel like i am betraying PPA by trying to move on....i feel as if i am betraying my feelings and admitting that they meant nothing. my guilt isn't so much for him - because he essentially betrays me every single day. he makes love to someone who isnt me. he gives his love to a woman who isnt me. he goes home to her every single day. he goes on dates with her. my guilt is for me. i feel guilt that i have such a strong feeling for something(one) and i am doing everything in my power to work against it. it just seems....wrong.
my mind is so fucked that i am convinced that she is staying only until she finds someone else, and then she is going to leave him....so i feel guilt over a situation that has never happened. i feel guilt that if this were to happen - i couldn't take him - because i would live my whole life being haunted with the idea that i only have what i wanted because SHE did something about it. not because he did.
my mind is so fucked i dont even know what i want anymore. am i so fixated on not getting what i want - that i havent even paid attention to the fact that maybe i dont even want it anymore? i mean, ive said i never wanted to be second...never wanted to be the consolation prize....but isnt that all that is left? when push came to shove...i got pushed and shoved away. by definition - i am second and that is unchangeable. the love of my life chose me second. what a slap upside the head.
i feel betrayed that my very intimate moments, very special, very meaningful moments got spilled in a report-like confession. i do not like the fact that someone other than me and PPA know when the last time was we made love and where....it is a violation. especially when it gets repeatedly thrown in my face. it feels bastardized.
i have endless jealousy. its killing me. i hear she is skinnier than me. i hear she looks good. i hear she went red (that doesnt make me jealous, i hate red). she has my life. she has my man. i am jealous of married people. i am jealous of divorced people. i am jealous of dead people. i am jealous of sane people.
sex is a must. he is the last person to have touched me. this cannot be. the last person who touched me wakes up with another woman every. single. day. it makes me sick.
i must stop giving so much energy to that which i cannot control. i keep staring in the mirror trying to see something else....trying to see someone else. for the life of me, all i see is someone who looks ugly and old and fat. i see a failure. i see someone who isn't good enough. i cant fucking shake it and im angry at myself for having such low self-worth. i should know better! my mind is just so foggy, i cannot find my way.
fog, fog...go away.
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