didnt quite make it.

i am disappointed in myself. for as long as i can remember, ive never been quite content with me as me...and ive never been quite content with my significant other as they are.

it is something im so ashamed to admit. it sounds shallow and vain and callous all at once.

there was a time not so long ago, but rapidly dissolving with each passing minute, that i was content with me. and i was content with he. completely. there was a tangibility to 'unconditional'.

for once, i felt as if i loved myself enough to accept my flaws and let someone else completely love them. for once, i saw the flaws of another and they didn't wear on me...they just gave me more to love.

i suppose i cant really be angry for it being taken from me...as i suppose i took first. am i so far off the deep end that i am the only being in this world who believes that 'first' isnt always 'right'? i believe i am. or am i so far into the existentialism that ive learned to value everything and nothing equally?

my sadness is killing me. and not fast enough. and i might welcome death - but not a slow one.

so let me, for my own good, remind myself of how very un-wanted i have been all along. i do it to help form a crust around myself to insluate myself from the pain and to hide from everyone else:

moment of truth: ran home to patch. ignored my inquiries. sent a brief word to give some space.

moment of forced 'break up': not so forced. sat in the very park were things were so tenderly explored months earlier...and said go away.

moment of needing: i tried to be there in every capacity - as a friend - as a lover - as a shoulder. oreos. basketball. comfort food. movies. fun. sex. took all of it and then kept on walking. did not return the favor in my moment of need. watched me walk the 'plank' of the hallway, feigning sadness, but knowing exactly how things would unfold.

moment of a new year, a new potential? i think i want, i think i want...not gonna do, not gonna do...

months of push - pull - push - pull. love and distance. happy always lined with sad. sad taking over everything. two lives. one fake, one real - for him. all real - for me.

the moment of the ask: lolla and mt's merger. please?...nothing.

the end: so cold. never looking back. never to waver.

fucking tuesdays. every week.

every single day. first thing in the morning - last thing at the end of the day....never includes me. never did. never intended to...

so it begs the question...did i truly find the confidence to accept my flaws if they are the only thing i see anymore? was my confidence so ingrained in the words of someone else that i could only believe my worth if he did? at what point did this admired independence melt into this pathetic sluggishness? maybe it was always just a facade and never anything of substance. will i trust myself to accept another as a whole, rather than dwelling on the imperfections? i thought unconditional was supposed to be good....

the irony of this all. is there is no way out and there is no solution. alone, i stand broken. but even if he were by my side, insecurity would be presence in infinite permanence.

i feel foolish that i thought i would be different. that someone would think i would be worth it. that someone would put me first and be happy to do so.

im so tied up in self. this is no way to peace.

buddha would be disappointed.

so am i.