the emptiness.

it is clear what most of us are doing: traveling from one place to another, searching for lasting happiness. there's an element of emptiness that we keep trying to assuage. we want to find something that feels good and makes sense, something solid that we can use as a permanent reference point. wisdom might tell us that we're seeking something we wont ever find, yet part of the reason we keep looking is that we've never quite been satisfied....we cant think beyond finding the missing piece... -sakyon mipham

...this is why i fought. the satiation of finding what was waiting to be found. this is what drives me. this is what was my catalyst to turn my every thought, moral, and boundary on its ear to reach for an unmatchable, magnanimous love. it was not some evil inside of me.

the loading dock.

i stare at you.

i remember.

cold concrete.

warm breath.

ugly space.

so beautiful to me.

such a metaphor.

i miss you, concrete

hold on. let go.

labels: their existence for others is ruining my life. their nonexistence for me is ruining my life. we cannot live life without them.
we are socialized creatures of habit that need definition.
we take comfort in their familiarity.
we take solace in their lack of oneness.
we hate their sweeping generalizations, yet long for their solidarity.

i want so desparately not to be defined, yet find so much pain in the lack thereof.

maybe the reality is that i do not fear the label.
i fear becoming nothing but the label.
i fear losing myself to the label.
i fear others losing sight of me and only seeing the label.

i told her not to expect marriage. i dont believe in it. anymore. i dont even want it. with anyone.
i despise being discarded because i dont have a label, but i would be crushed to be held just because of one. it is all lose lose.

i told her if there is a marriage, ever - not to expect to come. that it will be me. and it will be him. and there will be no one else. because its not a commitment to them, and their preconceived notions about what 'it' means. because with every day that i get older - love becomes more and more intensely personal and i lose willingness to share it with anyone.

i told her through my eyes, everything looks like happenstance. all circumstantial and accidental and unitentional. i can live with that in my fake life...the one that i hold at arms length. give warm smiles to acquaintances and feign interest in uninteresting things. accept that i too, am circumstantial to them. but for the real me...the one the wants undy dances and food fights....circumstance doesnt work.

i know it is only me that can help me.
but i cant help but fixate on what ive lost, what i never really had, what i cant get rid of and what people dont even know they are missing.

i dont want to be in love anymore.
no. false.

i want to be loved back.

i want that label: someone who is loved back.

sigh.

do you ever feel like there are so many words, all so equally desparate to come out, that they form the worst case of word constipation that your brain could ever endure?

i do.

maybe after a few glasses of vino...the words will loosen. loose (word) stool. sick.

interesting evening.

i know where he is. and with who.

guess where i was. and with who.

interesting enough...i was given a glimpse of someone who might actually value me.

life lessons.

i read an article by amy bloom that summated the top ten life lessons as below. i wish i could take a few to heart. i wish others could take a few to heart.

1. events reveal people's characters; they don't determine them.

Not everyone with divorced parents has terrible relationships. If two people are hit by a bus and crippled for life, one will become a bitter shut-in; the other, the kind of warm, outgoing person (cheerful despite everything) whom everyone loves to be with. It's not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be, until you die.

2. lying, by omission or commission, is a bad idea.

i cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because i was brought up to be nice. And I've never figured out the nice way to say "i'd rather stick a fork in my eye than come to your house for dinner." But the meaningful lie, the kind that involves being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth hurts, but it doesn't kill. Lying kills love.

3. Sex always give you an answer, although not necessarily the one you want.

It's possible to have very good sex, a few times, with a person who shouldn't be in your life at all. Have fun, and hid your wallet and your Blackberry. On the other hand, it's unlikely that a grown man, hoever nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first five times you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man who is unkind to you, there will be more of that; long after the sex is humdrum, the cruelty will still be vivid.

4. Most talents are transferable.

If you can raise toddlers and teenagers with relative calm, you can be a CEO. If you're a good driver, you can probably steer a cab, fly a plane, captain a boat. My years as a waitress - serving food to demanding people in a hihg-stress environment without losing my temper - served me equally well as a mother, a wife, and a short-order cook for my family. And if you have the teaching gene, you can teach anything. (I mean it. All you have to do is be one lesson ahead of your students. Sole meuniere, Latin and Greek, algebra - you can teach it!).

5. Fashion fades; style is eternal.

Not only do you not have to wear torn jeans, a barely-there tank top, and a fedora - but you probably shouldn't. The point of fashion is to indulge briefly in something fun. The point of style is to have one - whether that's a sheath and spike heels or slouchy jeans and your boyfriend's t-shirt - and it should last you a lifetime. All you have to do is think you deserve to look and feel your best and spend some time figuring out how to do it. Don't know? Find a woman whose style you admire and ask for a little advice.

6. You can't fake love.

Staying in a love relationship when love is not what you feel isn't likely to end well. If you know that what you crave is securiy / disposable income / child care and not the person next to you n the bed, do the right thing. It's true that one can learn to love someone over time and often through difficult circumstances. But unless the two of you agree to wait until you're old and all the storms have passed, in the hope that love will kick in, it's better to bail sooner than later.

7. Mean doesn't go away.

Some people get better looking with age; some don't. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go.

8. No one's perfect.

I knew that I wasn't perfect; I just didn't realize that this also applied to the people I fell in love with. The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing is not to look for someone flawless (which is why Elizabeth Taylor married eight times) but to look for someone whose mix of strengths and liabilities appeals to you (which is why she married Richard Burton twice).

9. Ask for help.

It's possible you'll get turned down. It's even more likely that you'll feel vulnerable and exposed. Do it anyways, especially if you are the helpful sort yourself. Those of us who like to offer assistance and hate to take any are depriving other people of the opportunity to be generous and kind; we are also blinding ourselves to the reality of mutual dependence. You wouldn't wear pink hot pants and pretend they were flattering. Don't pretend you don't need help.

10. Keep your eye on the prize and your hand on the plow.

It's easy to lose sight of what you want, especially if you haven't gotten it. I know it's less work to put the wish away than to pretend that the wish itself has disappeared but it's important to know what your prize is, because that is part of who you are. Whether it's financial stability, two children, a collection of poetry, or a blissful partnership - take Winston Churchill's advice and never give in. Never give in. Never give in.

lily louise

sweet sleep on night one, little girl.

still on empty

i know why i am losing it.

besides the obvious - it is because i am a highly functioning depressed person. i was told a year ago that my knack for dissociation would allow me to remain highly functional while being deeply depressed....and true. it is a very weird feeling to have enough logic to realize that i am supremely depressed - but simultaneously be too depressed to do anything about it, even though i realize it may allow me to do something(s) illogical. i think crazytown is only blissful if you dont realize you are a resident...when you know you are there - it aint so much bliss as it is torture.

i have a mild panic attack at the same time every day. triggered by the same thing every day. but because somehow the one trait i have seemed to master in my lifetime is comparmentalization - i can hide it away until i myself am hidden away and can express it.

i know i am a master at hiding. because people say things to me that they never would if they knew my real thoughts.

i remember when jiddi died...i found it profoundly captivating that i never saw sitti with dry eyes for at least a year afterwards...likely longer. i couldnt understand it. even when she smiled her eyes were still red with tears. as if her loss had stained her soul, had stained her eyes, had stained her happy... i understand it now. and i can find a tiny bit of happy knowing that her mind is lost, but her happy may be found.

who would know that i barely sleep - still not having broken the habit of looking at my phone every twilight hour, that i have a meltdown each night crying out to ears that cant hear, that i love driving to meetings alone because i know i dont have to hold in the sad, that i cry so often that not an evening hour passes when my eyes are dry, that i feel so sick to my stomach for most days that i cant decipher whether i need to shit, puke, eat or sleep.

no one knows. because i am a master of hiding.

i feel like my soul had more to live.

no title.

this is a shitty picture - but it is one of my paintings and i actually really like it.

it's alot of nothing. but alot of me.

the irony of love and pain being basically the same thing - is certainly not a new idea - but it never ceases to amaze.

little girl.

this feeling is just like i used to feel...as a little girl. with everyone making fun of me. the little girl that we different. not well-liked. too shy. too self-concious. the little girl who would steal away to her room to cry....

the only difference between then and now....is that when i used to hide in my room and cry - someone would always bother me and i hated it. now when i cry - i don't have to hide beyond my front door or my car....and i would give anything to have someone bother me.

i am in so much pain.

the line

tiny line
it blurs
i blur

so much hurt
dont know how to make it go away

cant believe i am the only one trying to make it stop

where did i get lost

where did i get left

so much evil

what did i do to deserve it

something scary

there is something scary brewing in my mind. i cant really formulate the right words for it. but it is a force outside of myself that is far too powerful to ignore.

i am so tired of crying all day everyday.

im so tired of feeling so disposed of and disposable.

im so tired of looking into faces with no remorse.

im just so so tired.

a low.

i am beside myself with grief. i cannot sleep. i dont know if i can pull myself together....not for work much less for life.

i literally feel as if someone is stepping on my throat.

what happened to me? what did i do along the path of life to deserve to be treated so disposable. you can only hear someone tell you how unimportant you are so many times before believing it...but even when you believe it - it still feels like swallowing a knife.

icannotdothis.

I CANT DO IT!

you knew you would break me, you asshole. and you still took, took, took.

you ruined my life.
you ruined me.

evil.

done.

i give up.

finally.

he has broken me.

i am broken.

igiveup

hopelost.

bang.

the nicest thing someone could do for me is put a bullet in my head. seriously.


yep. all the way back to that place.