hold on. let go.

labels: their existence for others is ruining my life. their nonexistence for me is ruining my life. we cannot live life without them.
we are socialized creatures of habit that need definition.
we take comfort in their familiarity.
we take solace in their lack of oneness.
we hate their sweeping generalizations, yet long for their solidarity.

i want so desparately not to be defined, yet find so much pain in the lack thereof.

maybe the reality is that i do not fear the label.
i fear becoming nothing but the label.
i fear losing myself to the label.
i fear others losing sight of me and only seeing the label.

i told her not to expect marriage. i dont believe in it. anymore. i dont even want it. with anyone.
i despise being discarded because i dont have a label, but i would be crushed to be held just because of one. it is all lose lose.

i told her if there is a marriage, ever - not to expect to come. that it will be me. and it will be him. and there will be no one else. because its not a commitment to them, and their preconceived notions about what 'it' means. because with every day that i get older - love becomes more and more intensely personal and i lose willingness to share it with anyone.

i told her through my eyes, everything looks like happenstance. all circumstantial and accidental and unitentional. i can live with that in my fake life...the one that i hold at arms length. give warm smiles to acquaintances and feign interest in uninteresting things. accept that i too, am circumstantial to them. but for the real me...the one the wants undy dances and food fights....circumstance doesnt work.

i know it is only me that can help me.
but i cant help but fixate on what ive lost, what i never really had, what i cant get rid of and what people dont even know they are missing.

i dont want to be in love anymore.
no. false.

i want to be loved back.

i want that label: someone who is loved back.