the emptiness.

it is clear what most of us are doing: traveling from one place to another, searching for lasting happiness. there's an element of emptiness that we keep trying to assuage. we want to find something that feels good and makes sense, something solid that we can use as a permanent reference point. wisdom might tell us that we're seeking something we wont ever find, yet part of the reason we keep looking is that we've never quite been satisfied....we cant think beyond finding the missing piece... -sakyon mipham

...this is why i fought. the satiation of finding what was waiting to be found. this is what drives me. this is what was my catalyst to turn my every thought, moral, and boundary on its ear to reach for an unmatchable, magnanimous love. it was not some evil inside of me.

the loading dock.

i stare at you.

i remember.

cold concrete.

warm breath.

ugly space.

so beautiful to me.

such a metaphor.

i miss you, concrete

hold on. let go.

labels: their existence for others is ruining my life. their nonexistence for me is ruining my life. we cannot live life without them.
we are socialized creatures of habit that need definition.
we take comfort in their familiarity.
we take solace in their lack of oneness.
we hate their sweeping generalizations, yet long for their solidarity.

i want so desparately not to be defined, yet find so much pain in the lack thereof.

maybe the reality is that i do not fear the label.
i fear becoming nothing but the label.
i fear losing myself to the label.
i fear others losing sight of me and only seeing the label.

i told her not to expect marriage. i dont believe in it. anymore. i dont even want it. with anyone.
i despise being discarded because i dont have a label, but i would be crushed to be held just because of one. it is all lose lose.

i told her if there is a marriage, ever - not to expect to come. that it will be me. and it will be him. and there will be no one else. because its not a commitment to them, and their preconceived notions about what 'it' means. because with every day that i get older - love becomes more and more intensely personal and i lose willingness to share it with anyone.

i told her through my eyes, everything looks like happenstance. all circumstantial and accidental and unitentional. i can live with that in my fake life...the one that i hold at arms length. give warm smiles to acquaintances and feign interest in uninteresting things. accept that i too, am circumstantial to them. but for the real me...the one the wants undy dances and food fights....circumstance doesnt work.

i know it is only me that can help me.
but i cant help but fixate on what ive lost, what i never really had, what i cant get rid of and what people dont even know they are missing.

i dont want to be in love anymore.
no. false.

i want to be loved back.

i want that label: someone who is loved back.

sigh.

do you ever feel like there are so many words, all so equally desparate to come out, that they form the worst case of word constipation that your brain could ever endure?

i do.

maybe after a few glasses of vino...the words will loosen. loose (word) stool. sick.

interesting evening.

i know where he is. and with who.

guess where i was. and with who.

interesting enough...i was given a glimpse of someone who might actually value me.

life lessons.

i read an article by amy bloom that summated the top ten life lessons as below. i wish i could take a few to heart. i wish others could take a few to heart.

1. events reveal people's characters; they don't determine them.

Not everyone with divorced parents has terrible relationships. If two people are hit by a bus and crippled for life, one will become a bitter shut-in; the other, the kind of warm, outgoing person (cheerful despite everything) whom everyone loves to be with. It's not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be, until you die.

2. lying, by omission or commission, is a bad idea.

i cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because i was brought up to be nice. And I've never figured out the nice way to say "i'd rather stick a fork in my eye than come to your house for dinner." But the meaningful lie, the kind that involves being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth hurts, but it doesn't kill. Lying kills love.

3. Sex always give you an answer, although not necessarily the one you want.

It's possible to have very good sex, a few times, with a person who shouldn't be in your life at all. Have fun, and hid your wallet and your Blackberry. On the other hand, it's unlikely that a grown man, hoever nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first five times you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man who is unkind to you, there will be more of that; long after the sex is humdrum, the cruelty will still be vivid.

4. Most talents are transferable.

If you can raise toddlers and teenagers with relative calm, you can be a CEO. If you're a good driver, you can probably steer a cab, fly a plane, captain a boat. My years as a waitress - serving food to demanding people in a hihg-stress environment without losing my temper - served me equally well as a mother, a wife, and a short-order cook for my family. And if you have the teaching gene, you can teach anything. (I mean it. All you have to do is be one lesson ahead of your students. Sole meuniere, Latin and Greek, algebra - you can teach it!).

5. Fashion fades; style is eternal.

Not only do you not have to wear torn jeans, a barely-there tank top, and a fedora - but you probably shouldn't. The point of fashion is to indulge briefly in something fun. The point of style is to have one - whether that's a sheath and spike heels or slouchy jeans and your boyfriend's t-shirt - and it should last you a lifetime. All you have to do is think you deserve to look and feel your best and spend some time figuring out how to do it. Don't know? Find a woman whose style you admire and ask for a little advice.

6. You can't fake love.

Staying in a love relationship when love is not what you feel isn't likely to end well. If you know that what you crave is securiy / disposable income / child care and not the person next to you n the bed, do the right thing. It's true that one can learn to love someone over time and often through difficult circumstances. But unless the two of you agree to wait until you're old and all the storms have passed, in the hope that love will kick in, it's better to bail sooner than later.

7. Mean doesn't go away.

Some people get better looking with age; some don't. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go.

8. No one's perfect.

I knew that I wasn't perfect; I just didn't realize that this also applied to the people I fell in love with. The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing is not to look for someone flawless (which is why Elizabeth Taylor married eight times) but to look for someone whose mix of strengths and liabilities appeals to you (which is why she married Richard Burton twice).

9. Ask for help.

It's possible you'll get turned down. It's even more likely that you'll feel vulnerable and exposed. Do it anyways, especially if you are the helpful sort yourself. Those of us who like to offer assistance and hate to take any are depriving other people of the opportunity to be generous and kind; we are also blinding ourselves to the reality of mutual dependence. You wouldn't wear pink hot pants and pretend they were flattering. Don't pretend you don't need help.

10. Keep your eye on the prize and your hand on the plow.

It's easy to lose sight of what you want, especially if you haven't gotten it. I know it's less work to put the wish away than to pretend that the wish itself has disappeared but it's important to know what your prize is, because that is part of who you are. Whether it's financial stability, two children, a collection of poetry, or a blissful partnership - take Winston Churchill's advice and never give in. Never give in. Never give in.

lily louise

sweet sleep on night one, little girl.

still on empty

i know why i am losing it.

besides the obvious - it is because i am a highly functioning depressed person. i was told a year ago that my knack for dissociation would allow me to remain highly functional while being deeply depressed....and true. it is a very weird feeling to have enough logic to realize that i am supremely depressed - but simultaneously be too depressed to do anything about it, even though i realize it may allow me to do something(s) illogical. i think crazytown is only blissful if you dont realize you are a resident...when you know you are there - it aint so much bliss as it is torture.

i have a mild panic attack at the same time every day. triggered by the same thing every day. but because somehow the one trait i have seemed to master in my lifetime is comparmentalization - i can hide it away until i myself am hidden away and can express it.

i know i am a master at hiding. because people say things to me that they never would if they knew my real thoughts.

i remember when jiddi died...i found it profoundly captivating that i never saw sitti with dry eyes for at least a year afterwards...likely longer. i couldnt understand it. even when she smiled her eyes were still red with tears. as if her loss had stained her soul, had stained her eyes, had stained her happy... i understand it now. and i can find a tiny bit of happy knowing that her mind is lost, but her happy may be found.

who would know that i barely sleep - still not having broken the habit of looking at my phone every twilight hour, that i have a meltdown each night crying out to ears that cant hear, that i love driving to meetings alone because i know i dont have to hold in the sad, that i cry so often that not an evening hour passes when my eyes are dry, that i feel so sick to my stomach for most days that i cant decipher whether i need to shit, puke, eat or sleep.

no one knows. because i am a master of hiding.

i feel like my soul had more to live.

no title.

this is a shitty picture - but it is one of my paintings and i actually really like it.

it's alot of nothing. but alot of me.

the irony of love and pain being basically the same thing - is certainly not a new idea - but it never ceases to amaze.

little girl.

this feeling is just like i used to feel...as a little girl. with everyone making fun of me. the little girl that we different. not well-liked. too shy. too self-concious. the little girl who would steal away to her room to cry....

the only difference between then and now....is that when i used to hide in my room and cry - someone would always bother me and i hated it. now when i cry - i don't have to hide beyond my front door or my car....and i would give anything to have someone bother me.

i am in so much pain.

the line

tiny line
it blurs
i blur

so much hurt
dont know how to make it go away

cant believe i am the only one trying to make it stop

where did i get lost

where did i get left

so much evil

what did i do to deserve it

something scary

there is something scary brewing in my mind. i cant really formulate the right words for it. but it is a force outside of myself that is far too powerful to ignore.

i am so tired of crying all day everyday.

im so tired of feeling so disposed of and disposable.

im so tired of looking into faces with no remorse.

im just so so tired.

a low.

i am beside myself with grief. i cannot sleep. i dont know if i can pull myself together....not for work much less for life.

i literally feel as if someone is stepping on my throat.

what happened to me? what did i do along the path of life to deserve to be treated so disposable. you can only hear someone tell you how unimportant you are so many times before believing it...but even when you believe it - it still feels like swallowing a knife.

icannotdothis.

I CANT DO IT!

you knew you would break me, you asshole. and you still took, took, took.

you ruined my life.
you ruined me.

evil.

done.

i give up.

finally.

he has broken me.

i am broken.

igiveup

hopelost.

bang.

the nicest thing someone could do for me is put a bullet in my head. seriously.


yep. all the way back to that place.

zenit will hold me until im ready to leave

i sit in the sun, wind blowing, hair in my face....determined to come up with positive traits about myself. i make a list...it is short. it is superficial. for every plus i write, my mind immediately counters with a negative; immediately second guesses the thought: 'do i really think that? would other people really think that?'

i feel the finality in every minute. it is heavy. it is tiresome. it is sad.

living life feeling like your purpose is to fulfill but not be fulfilled...is alienating.

i catch judgment around every corner...both giving and receiving....

im watching the yellow leaves dance...so playful in the wind. so foreboding that their death is near. that winter will soon snuff them of life.

i am the yellow leaf.
winter has come....no limbs are there to break my fall.

the sun feels warm. a nice contrast to the cool breeze.
he was warm, even when life was cold.

now its just cold.

little dream.

for as long as i can remember, i have been wondering about my future. as a little i remember playing house and wondering what my life would be like when i was 'big'....like, when i was 28 (ha).

i never was the little girl who dreamt of white weddings...i was weird even then...i just wondered about when i would find my other half and what that would feel like.

as i got older, i came across many paths...any one of them could have led to the 'white wedding'. but i didnt want that..because the wonder never ceased....it told me something more right was out there - or so i hoped.

for a fleeting moment in my life, the wonder ceased. one. fleeting. moment.

it was not a moment that held all the answers. it was not even necessarily a moment free of fear. it was not even a moment 100% full of happiness. however, it was a moment of supreme comfort in the realization of my true self with someone and seemingly their true self with me. yes, maybe that transparency came in a vacuum....but if you cant achieve transparency alone together...you certainly have no chance of achieving it any other way.

one moment. bliss.

one moment gone. terror.

help me.

i am so overwhelmed.

i cant breathe.

i cant move.

someone help me.

please please.

who can help me when i wont ask.

who will help me when the only one who really can....wont?

truth.

maybe the thing is - i just need to stop beating myself up about not being happy. maybe i just need to embrace that i am sad, angry and lonely. maybe i just need to stop trying fighting to be logical and 'mature' and thus repressing my true feelings. maybe i need to try to be real about where i am - and where i am not. these are my thoughts to many you.

i never liked you to begin with. so i may not hate you, but i certainly dont like you. you are self-centered and have a victim mentality. so i certainly dont have to be amiable about the fact that you get what i want.

you fucked me over. big time. mind fuck. body fuck. people are still talking about me as a terrible person - but no one seems to say jack shit about you.

you are my friend(s) of convenience. stop trying to act like you know or care about me or my well-being.

im pretty fucking cynical. deal with it.

so much anger. SO much.

so much sad. SO much.

you used to be independent; all these fucking men have ruined you. wow. now you are that girl.

i really dont want to hate, but i do: i hate me.

silence

footsteps. winter air. breath. windblown tears. tearsblownawayinthewind.

blank canvas. no thoughts. feelings spill out in color.

not a new day. been here a thousand times already.

all the bricks in the world....

...would not be enough.

friend.

hi friend. why dont you talk about it anymore?

because it doesnt matter, friend.

so you are over it, friend?

it doesnt matter, friend.

are you sad, friend?

it doesnt matter, friend.

do you want to talk about it, friend?

it doesnt matter, friend.

you realize it was all fake, right, friend?

thank you for your insight, friend.

i mean, obviously, this is what you knew would happen right, friend?

yes, friend, i suppose you are right.

you realize you got exactly what you deserved, right, friend?

wow.

two face...

...is the title of a drawing.

i was given a beautiful piece of someone's soul one day. it is my favorite piece of art by far. i love it. i look at it often. the irony of it practically brings the face in the picture to life. it depicts two sides at war with each other....maybe within oneself. maybe between two people.

when it was given to me - i was told it represented me: the side of me that everyone gets to see; and then the side of me that very few know. i think maybe now - it takes on a deeper meaning. it may be the two sides of myself. but i think it is the two sides of the hand that drew it.

i would post the drawing. but it is mine. and i dont want to share it on my cyberpaper. it will remain for my eyes only - just as the hidden side of myself will remain for myself only.

the irony is the day i was given the drawing - it was about a profession of someone knowing my soul. and exactly one year later to the day - it became about the reveal of that someone's soul.

i think as i peel the layers - i am past shock. but it has revealed a very, very, very deep pain. i dont know how to heal it. i dont know how to kill hope or love or compassion. those are the very things that keep me going yet the very things that hold me back.

e has the same pains. the same tortured soul over loss. the same bruised ego of not being the chosen. it brings me more pain to have no words to console her than to sit alone in my tears and feel forgotten by the world. but how can i give her any words without being a complete and utter hypocrite? how can i tell her it will all be fine, she will be better off, he is missing out...when i wont let those words sink in when said to me.

i just want to move. i just want to go away. i just want to be a different. i just want to stop wishing. i just want one day without tears. and i hold the key for all those things. but i cant find it.

you said you would never look through me. i listen to you say it often. it is forever saved in time. yet, you look through me every time your eyes fall in my direction.

this is not how it was supposed to be. life, that is. not like this.

dear you

you were my fantasy that i thought would come true.
you slipped me secret notes with messages of love; you wrote me messages in the snow; you loved me in a million unexpected places in a million unexpected ways; you made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world on my ugliest of days; you looked at me with more passion behind your eyes than i thought possible; you held me like you meant it. you were my prince charming and when i asked you for my kiss...you turned into the devil and killed me instead of kissed.

i was your fantasy that you never wished to be a reality. i asked you to help me undo all the expectations you helped me create. and you wouldnt.

i should have known that pc is too good to be true.

dear you

you are a sad and pathetic person. you cling to hope rather than reality. you ask me for reminders of reality and it baffles me...because every waking moment of yours should be enough of a reminder that i do not love you. i am here. not there. i am here everyday. i am not there everyday. please dont pathetically remind me of how i know every square inch of your soul, how i know every square inch of your body. i used your soul as comfort when i had none, i used your body as a fuck fest for my own amusement. why you struggle? i have no idea. you seem to have forgotten that you were never my one. you seem to ignore the small little matter that my actions alway spoke louder than my words. you seem to think that if i respected no one else in life, that you would be the exception. news for you: you are the rule, not the exception. news for you: you were the punch line, not the chorus. of course i look through you. of course i do! ive always looked through you, because i loathe you. looking at you is a reminder of myself. i hate you and i hate myself. i look at you and i am reminded of what i almost lost. i look at you and am sickened that i almost risked it all for you. i hate you. how could you ever have mistaken that for love? how could you believe so little in yourself that you would think my cruel ways equated love? you are pathetic. let me remind you of a few things:

when i make love - its not with you. knowing your body, was the carnal desire of fucking someone who wanted me. all i did was use you for my own ego. you are a good lay. thats all. you are so typical to believe that i would mean the words 'making love'. its laughable, really.

when i am sad or mad or lonely or happy or excited or anything....i dont share it with you. i tell you nothing about me, about my life. and yet...you seem confused about my feelings? let me be clear: you are nothing to me. nothing. not part of my past; not part of my present; not part of my future. nothing.

the only way you would be good enough, is if i were left with nothing. but that wont happen, because ive woven enough of a web that that wont happen. i win. i get everything while doing nothing.

so in case you were wondering, thanks for the fuck - but dont you go believin' that you are anything more than some sexual conquest: you never were more than that and god knows now that i conquered you - i have no more interest in you. so drop dead and leave me and mine alone. and when you stupidly forget thay i mean it - remember where im sleeping tonite and think of me finding my way in someone elses body.

the idea

of being treated as if i am invisible is infuriating.

the idea of being treated as if lesser is sickening.

i know what happened.

and it makes me want to kill someone.

holidays.

i cannot seem to put my finger on why exactly i am choosing to ignore all holidays this year as if they are not happening. is it sad or is it grand?

on one hand, if i have nothing - why feign the smiles and the bullshit that i am remotely pleased to give small talk to people i see once a year about how wonderful life is.

on one hand, i think that if i dont celebrate them - no one will. and just for a minute, life could stand still.

on one hand - i've realized a surprising disdain for god right now. it even feels weird writing that - and maybe it is more appropriately a disdain for the church - the human side of god. but i sat in a mass saturday (unwillingly) and found that i was angry sitting there. i had the overwhelming desire to actually storm out of the church mid-ceremony. i am so caught off gaurd by my repulsion...and i have a theory....(but i'm also going to be late for work....so it shall litter the future pages of my cyberpaper....)

on one hand (apparently i have more than two) - i cant wait for a quiet day at home to paint. happy thanksgiving. merry christmas.

it will be sad - because i know where my mind will be; but it will be grand because it is mine. all this nothing is all mine.

nothing.

at the end of the day...im getting used to having nothing. regardless of what fills the day...ive grown to have the expectation of nothing and the hope for nothing. it may be bleak. but it is far less painful than hope for what will never be.

i can feel what this may conjure up. but so be it. in the equation of life, nothing is actually far more than half of something. im learning to love nothing. im learning to love the shell of something. i still wonder why so many people full of nothing have something and why so many people full of something have nothing...but i will simply recognize - that 'deserve' is a child word. and 'have' is an adult word.

i am at the tip of a million words. and they will come. but for now - i just say - i embrace my nothing....and recognize how silly i have been to ever think i had anything BUT nothing.

shame on me for believing in anything. shame on me for giving legs to lies.

sunshine

is so fucking overrated.

a recipe for a good day should be saturday + sunshine + football.

it apparently only equals pissy, lonely and mopey.

lonely is always much more so with people around.

thank god im good with the shell game.

at the end of the day

the void is large, abysmal, dark.....and i know exactly how to fill it.

but it is completely out of my control.

sometimes....

just when you think you have stuffed enough into a void to make it full....you realize it is indeed, still as empty as when you started....and it makes you wonder why you would waste your life on something so meaningless.

a great debate

is happening in my head.

(side note: i just spent one hour trying to find a picture in which i was happy. couldnt find one. so ive settled on this one - october 2006. last time i can remember happy)

i dont know if it will all make sense, but i am sure i must get it out of my head. it is a multi-headed monster. but here goes.

1. reading everything about buddhism has made me scared to have kids. all this talk about only being able to find enlightenment if you can recognize that everything in life is impermanent...is a hard one to swallow. it is one thing to be able to recognize that what will be, will be when it comes to parents, when it comes to siblings, when it comes to relationships....but children?! it makes me wonder: do you have a child willing to take the risk of losing them - or do you have one spending the rest of your life scared to death that you will lose them before you are ready?

2. i never want to be married. or have any label, for that matter. at least any label that makes people stop acting out what they think should be. what do i mean? i mean, i never want to make a decision - or not make one - for the sole reason that i am married. nor do i want that to be a reason that someone makes a decision for me. (side note: i know this only makes sense in my head...but in cyber world....that doesnt really matter - not one is there to read the words anyways).

3. i miss my friend, christa. ive thought about her so often lately. i miss her for the reasons of what i now know....and now can identify with her about that i couldnt before. but i miss her because she was the one real friend i have made since being in this god-forsaken place that has brought me nothing but pure misery. it is funny how i often find myself thinking that i am to chilli as chris was to me. i miss my friend. i miss having a friend.

4. three different people today mentioned how skinny i looked. chrissy mentioned that 90% of the people we work with have asked her why ive lost so much weight. i should be flattered, but im annoyed that people are talking about me. im going to start a rumor that im a crack whore. half of that rumor already exists anyways. half of that is already true. may as well capitalize on that - better body...better to whore it up with.

5. i talked to jeff today. i dont think i can do it.

6. i dread being descended upon tomorrow. i like being alone. i dont want company.

7. i was told to focus on my peace and not his foibles. a. foibles is a funny word. b. it is hard not to. i know i have to....and i am willing to....but the irony is - my peace an his foibles are interwoven.

8. i am going to write myself a letter. it will be everything that he wont say to me but should.

9. at the end of the day, i might be great. but im not the one.

sleep on that.

(aka...insert insomnia)

taos is my hut

i am reminded of something i read by thich nhat hahn:

"There was a friend who suffered so much he had to drop out of society and go to a meditation center. Since the Buddhist temple is a place of compassion, they welcomed him...How long, how many days, how many years did he need to cry? We don't know. But finally he took refuge in the meditation center and did not want to go back to society. He thought he had found some peace, but one day I myself came and burned his meditation hut. In his understanding, he had nothing else outside of the hut. He had nowhere to go becasue society was not his."

ive made a big deal about leaving. or about him leaving. but if i am being real with myself - it is just my insecurity that i am not in my hut. taos was my hut. it was my freedom to walk around. to smile. to be no one. to be anyone. no one there to judge. no one there to hate. just me. to be me. or not to be me. that is the point.

so maybe it is not so much i have moved backwards since then as i have just learned the hard lesson that my hut was burned down - and i have to face life. all is simple when it is just self. but life is never just about self. it is always about interbeing. none of exists without the validation of others.

taos was my hut.

but this is my life. and nothing is going to be perfect.

so maybe i just need to get over the fact that he doesnt think that i am.

if im being honest

there's this common thread of my self-loathing. and its the constant wonder in my mind of what's wrong with me that i am never the one he chooses. and the 'he'? the 'he' is alot of people.

chris - my dearest friend who may be the most distant close friend i've ever had. and we started off as best friends, who got blurry because we wanted more, but he had a long-distance girlfriend - and in the end...wanted her and not me. so our friendship was strained because i made it so, because i had to lick the bruised ego of not being better in his eyes. jen was his choice.

adam - my first sort-of adult relationship....in retrospect i had too much insecurity to really be myself with him, so i tried to reflect as much of him as i could in myself. though this immaturity would have proven to be our demise someday - someday never came, because when he came back from his time abroad and we sat at the spring street house to exchange christmas gifts, he let me know he had been cheating on me and wanted to be with this girl: christine.

leland - my first love. hands down. again, hindsight is 20/20 - it would have never lasted. but this was the relationship when i walked around in awe that this boy - this hot, sexy, quirky, artist, skateboarding, music-loving, football-fanatic boy - was in to me. really in to me. until he decided to get back together with his old girlfriend. ashley was a better fit for him.

aric - my montana project to say the least. but in the end - i was a sort of trophy for him. young, blonde and smart. but no quicker than i would leave the room would he be prowling for a new her. it was always the reminder that our relationship didnt compare with his previous one: molly.

shamus - moral to a fault, this boy would never have cheated on me. at least not in the traditional definition of the word. but he made no qualms about reminding me of my faults...so maybe in this one case i cant put a woman's name next to why i wasn't 'better'....but i was reminded nonetheless.

david - he was the culmination of the best friend i have in chris, the adoration i got from leland, the everything that wasn't there before. this was the reminder that i was perfect for someone....perfect for him. except i wasn't. i wasn't better. i wasn't mandy.

so - in this moment of feeling a bit forgotten - i am in a qwandry. i've been cheated on, ive cheated, ive played it by the book, ive been the other woman, ive been nice, ive been mean....and in the end...i still am not the one for anyone. so i guess sometimes i just have a bit of a hard time talking myself out of the self-pity. i just have a bit of a hard time finding the answer to why im never enough for apparently any man. because i realize - everything else is gravy. it's like i am playing the life role of the fat girl that everyone just wants to be friends with. but no let me in on the joke.

words to cradle my heart...

There's a Possibility,
There's a Possibility,
All that I had was all I'm gonn' get.

There's a Possibility,
There's a Possibility,
All I'm gonna get is gonna be yours then
All I'm gonna get is gonna be yours then.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know."

Know that when you leave,
Know that when you leave,
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief, by blood and by me, and I fall when you leave.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop, you're the only one that knows. Tell me when you hear my silence, there's a possibility I wouldn't know.
So tell me when my silence's over, you're the reason why I'm closed. Tell me when you hear me falling, there's a possibility it wouldn't show.

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave.
By blood and by me, I follow your lead.

a thought....

...maybe it isnt and never was love. maybe i never felt more special to someone and i loved that.

maybe i was the user rather than the used.

in som nia

its baaa-aaaack. damn you, insomnia. i thought i had rid myself of you. alas, you have reared your head and apparently are here to stay. i suspect you are capitalizing on my weaknesses. i suspect i am moving from the denial phase into the anger phase. i suspect being spent from my day job is leaving little energy for my quest at ridding my diseased mind of its plague...insert: insomnia. damn you.

i hate tuesdays.

HATE...is not even strong enough of a word.

fucking hate. loathe. despise.

footsies

under the conference table footsies is something i miss. it's something i miss even more when forced to sit in a room for hours...the very room that holds a lot of feeling behind it.

buddha says dont hold on to hope. hope will kill us. hold on to the present. i struggle SO much with this. but in a 5 minute effort to shake the funk that is still lingering from the weekend.... here goes.

10 nice things about the present:

1. i can go to the bathroom with the door open

2. i always get to decide whats for dinner

3. no one is around to make a mess except for me (huge downside: no one is there to clean up my mess)

4. i always have hot water when taking a shower

5. i never have to fight over the remote

6. i can talk to myself and not be looked at like im crazy

7. i can cry and no one will bother me

8. i can sing and dance around the house in my undies

9. i can do naked sit ups and push ups with no judgement

10. i can have peace and quiet whenever i want it

sleuth'd

i may have figured out why i hit a bottom this weekend. im sure it is only a half-baked solution - i mean, i cant ignore the obvious, which certainly is a major contributor....but i carried a new kind of stress this week. admitedly - it is a stress i created. usually i am so good at not worrying...because what does worry bring? it doesnt change the past and it doesnt change the future. but i worried. i worried i was sick...and i let it run rampant in my mind and play off every insecurity that i have. i thought - what happens when i am told something is wrong with me - and i have to drive away, alone - dealing with it, alone. what happens if something happens to me in this godforsaken city and i have to sit in a hospital, alone. no one to take care of ashby, no one to sit my house. no one holding my hand if i am scared. it is all silly and thankfully unecessary worry. but it doesnt change the outcome of the fact that there is alot in my future that i have to tackle, potentially and realistically - alone.

And so we get to the crux of the matter. i am all alone. and it really doesnt matter who i surround myself with physically or emotionally - because this is something that will likely never change. i always felt alone....so shame on me for thinking things would ever be different. in a way, it is a welcoming feeling to return to the self i am more familiar with - the one that holds myself accountable, the one that expects nothing of anyone, the one that gives enough of myself to be personable, but never enough to be burned, the one that knows happy is fleeting and impermanent and downright bullshit. one that knows that happy and sad are really just about the same thing.

hello, self. welcome back to the do-it-yourself side.

apathys last kiss

What's the matter

What's the difference

You'll feel better if you lie

With the stars in your eyes

Honey, Honey

Where's my baby

He know better than to cry

With the stars in his eyes

There is

No safe place to go

I should know

The lame

And the droll have needs

To let their feelings show

What's the matter

What's the difference

What's the question

You'll feel better

If you lie

With the stars in your eyes

There is

No safe place to go

I should know

The lame

And the droll have needs

To let their feelings show

Bury your heart in a hole

Bury your heart in a

Bury your heart in a

Bury your heart in a hole

nobody crones it like billy.

one foot in front of the other

this is how it works right? wipe face, stand up, get dressed, walk. keep walking....

a couple songs to get my morning going...

sunkilmoon - carry my ohio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKRA7weVyLs

tempertrap - sweet disposition
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3b9E1p9uOA

noahandthewhale - first day of spring
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btoAx8tGngA

today

is hard. for no apparent reason. which makes is doubly suck. because it was unexpected. my desk is tear-stained. my coffee is salted with tears. my eyes are puffy....


i just want it to stop.

gray mash

i feel like this basquiat looks. i have been trying so hard to hold on to the small bits of clarity i have discovered in a mass of gray....yet they slip. strangely - the loss of one clarity brings another, yet simultaneously leaves me equally lost. goddamn this mind with a broken 'off switch'.



hello anger - there you are. i was beginning to think you did not exist.



hello sad - you are tiring me. please go away.

the answer...

...to the previous two questions?

never.

and...never.

i see you...

if i could pick a theme song to play in the background like a movie spot while you read this - it would be mika's 'i see you'. the piano would roll right through your ears as these words roll right through my head....god, i miss playing the piano.

i see who you are. i see all the words you stifle dancing behind your eyes. this feels like a trap. you are pulling me in and probably dont even know it, likely dont even mean it.

fuck me for still waiting for you to catch me.

i finally can say - i want you to be happy. even if it isn't with me.

maybe what you brought to my life is the very weighty possibility that i will never again in my life take someone i choose to love, someone that chooses to love me - for granted.

i already forget your touch.

when will i stop missing you?

when will you start missing me?

sunday, sunday...

good things on a sunday:
waking up to a sunny day - no rain!

discovering it was daylight savings time and i have an extra hour in the weekend

hatha yoga - 2 sessions

pumpkin latte

warm flannel sheets and puffy pillows


some things that would make the morning better:

starting the day of with some lovin'. i love a morning romp.

a surprise maid sowing up at my house to clean and do laundry

the midnight mind flush.

reading about buddha and zen and inner peace. the writings talk so much about focusing on the present. recognize that the past is gone, that the future is nothing but a dream...strive to live in reality, to let go of the perceptions created by the complexity of our minds. this complexity leads to drama and misunderstanding and hope and expectation and failure and depression.

i can understand the rationale of this. but to DO it, to really do it....it seems impossibly daunting and makes me tired to just think about it. but i will try to be mindful of this. it may just save me.

i must dispel my hurt, jealousy, anger and sadness. this may be my path....

hello honesty: sane me.

happy moments from today:

- yoga. i love to stretch.
- walking in the misting rain sipping very hot tea.
- wearing a hat low over my eyes....a safety blanket
- smelling him. i love his laundry smell.
- a good cry. my daily relief from pretending.

i get it.

yep, i get it. i am the only one that can make my peace, that can make my happy. i am the only one that makes me sad, mad or otherwise. i also cannot bring peace or happy to anyone else, anyone who doesnt already have peace and happy.

it is such a simple thing. but it is so elusive in practice. it is so seemingly unattainable.

i am sad. i am angry. i am lonely. but HE doesnt cause me those things: i do. he cant solve those things for me. he cant solve them for anyone. no one can. we only have the power for self.

somehow these writings have lost focus of recognizing happy moments...so let me ponder on a few from the weekend....

...laughs over thai food with unexpected company
...golf balls at dusk
...meditation and strangers on a fall day
...yoga on a quiet morning
...gardening in the breeze
...cold beer nightcap
...fuzzy blanket
...pedicure and foot massage
...football sunday
...feeling proud of e for pinching an aorta and for being excited about it

breathe in...breathe out....live in reality. not in perception.
...

slippery slope

i feel like im on a slippery slope. it was as if i shed a layer of sludge and it is now creeping back up and around me. i feel the heaviness of lonely starting to suffocate me again. i feel the sadness starting to hold all my thoughts.

i miss him so much.

fuck.

i havent felt like this in over a month. im so wrecked + disappointed to face the realization of the progress i have NOT made. it appears disillusion is my only real achievement.

i feel used and abused. still.

i feel lonely and hidden. always.

im trying so hard....but it's running to stand still.

at least i've realized one thing that i have been resisting for so long: i have to leave. it is time for somewhere new. this, this cannot go on.

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you struggle to breath - you just suffocate? like the more you move - the more you move, the more you stand still? it is as if i am cutting the strands of the web as fast as i can move my hands....yet the spider is winning. i want nothing more than to be free, yet nothing more than to be caught.

the madness is deafening.

crazy, much?

ok - so in efforts to maintain my peace balance....i must spill. because i feel like a mind fuck is brewing.

perception: he is making every effort to flirt. to be friendly. to make sure i know he is out there. to make sure he can communicate in only the most plutonic of words that he loves me.

reality: megan is a fucking loon. he is trying to extend friendship. no one wants to work in a hostile environment. nothing has changed. he sits at home. he goes to counseling. he WENT to counseling, tonite, as a matter of fact. he does nothing for you. and everything for him. megan - MOVE ON.

feelings: i feel like everything is an onion. layers and layers. all the same. all different.

i would like to get off the merry-go-round now.

one whole week.

one whole week back in my life. back to my house. back to my job. back to my routine. all is so different. all is so much same.

i thought today would be terrible for reasons that will remain unstated.

it was actually ok. and even know - i sit and type with tear stained cheeks - but it is ok. i am learning to sit with all my feelings and embrace them: even the unpleasant ones.

i would, however, suggest NOT reading old emails from one year ago, especially on significant day......ala waterworks.

i think these tears tonite are laced with alot of feeling.

i miss him. tears.

i miss who i was before i was this shell. tears.

i dont want to be left. tears.

i think he tried to tell me for a long time that he wouldn't catch me. tears.

i caused so much pain. tears. i never wanted to be that person to anyone.

i am listening to sun kil moon albums. most depressing songs in the world. tears.

i still really love him. i am embarassed to admit it. tears.

i cant find it in my heart to want him to be happy unless he is with me. that is SO selfish it sickens me. tears.

i am fighting myself so hard NOT to reach out. it is a constant, CONSTANT battle. so far i have won.....but i am skeptical of how long i can keep it up. tears.

a small win - i can now hide my sadness from everyone and only break down in the walls of this room where no one can see....no one can hear.....

some good things...

right now, for this moment, i am going to try to focus on the good things about my life. right now.

i work for people that recognize the value of a 'mental break' and allowed me to take 3 weeks off of work.

i have a job to return to.

my friends painted me an awesome mural on the fence at my house. it is colorful and funky and wonderfully weird and it brightens my day every time i look at it.

i am healthy (i think....)

ugh...that's all i got. i know there are more. as soon as i can get my head outta my ass - i will add to this.

minor confession...

first, can i get any props for the irony of my image (church...confession....get it?)?

so, i get that i can hang on to my beliefs. but i recognize i must let go of my anger and childlike irrationalities. so, im listing those below in the hopes that as i pour them onto (again, cyber)paper - i can read them, and recognize them for how ridiculous and mean the thoughts are. i'm human, i'm hurt, but i dont want to be mean. i want those thoughts to be replaced with peace.

i have anxiety about returning to my life. it will be the real lithmus test about whether or not these weeks away have allowed me to progress as i think i have.

i am fearful about my mind set on your anniversary, which will occur my first week back. i might make myself sick thinking about you celebrating and consumating it. last year on that day - you professed your love for me and took your ring off....as far as i know - it still isnt on.

i daydream that your marraige will fail. (like i said, i'm trying to be honest about the evil thoughts in my head)

i daydream that you are doing this to me, shutting me out, because it is the only way you will achieve peace. i daydream that you are doing this as penance and will come back to me (hello, crazytown)

i could go on - but i realize this is embarassing. even though no one may read these words - i'm embarassed of my thoughts.....

minor revelation....

sitting at the edge of the red river yesterday, dangling my toes in the (freezing!) water, and writing....thinking....observing.....I came to a minor point of enlightenment.

all along i have been struggling on how not to believe what i believe, telling myself i must learn to unhinge everything i hold as truth with regards to darkwing. what i realized, is this is not the case. i can hold my beliefs, but i need to learn to reconcile my beliefs with his actions and to move on with my life. my beliefs are so ingrained in me - if i let them go - i will compromise a huge part of my soul. however, if i continue to hold on to them as hope, i will ruin myself.

in efforts to recognize my beliefs and let them go as my mantras for living, i'm listing them below. maybe by putting those very words that torture my thoughts on (cyber)paper, i can purge myself of the shackles they have me in:

i believe that you loved me. i read and listened to old voicemails and emails. there is so much passion and feeling there - you cannot fake or lie about that.

i believe you have talked yourself out of loving me.

i believe you love her, as a friend.

i believe you will eventually divorce.

i believe you will stay together - you have the model for a 'working relationship' and she is afraid of alone. (yes, i know this one is contradictory...they're my beliefs people - i'm not claiming rationality)

i believe i have to let go of you even though i dont want to.

i believe us, apart, is a huge mistake.

i believe guilt is a small price to pay for happiness (yes, i may have heard this quoted on Desparate Housewives...insert jokes here)

i believe it is selfish to purposely only have one child. (this may seem like left field - see disclaimer under Belief #5)

i believe you miss me, but effectively operate out of sight, out of mind.

i believe you think i am better off (ok, so there might be more than one person out there who thinks this...maybe one day i will be part of that group)

i believe she scared you into staying (at least partially) by using him as leverage: threatening you could never bring him around me; threatening that you could only see him every other weekend.

(contradictory thought #2) i believe she and i are both better off without you.

i believe (now) that i can get through. i know i will never get over.

some things in life are irreparable.

peace...

find it. find it. find it. find it. find it.......

happy birthday, darkwing.

happy birthday, dw.

today is hard.

those are all the words i have.

the (peaceful?) grind...

ok - i'm trying to analyze how i will slide back into my regular life in a little over a week. part of me wishes this, this escape of mine, could be my regular life. but it is the child in me that wants this - that wants to run away and hide from my pain. the adult in me knows i must go back. i must face my pain and stare it down until i can learn to dull it and live with it. i'm trying not to distract. i'm trying to hold my feelings at the forefront.

i've gotten into a routine:

wake up very early (not by my own volition, mind you, i just do - and it's still dark, dammit) with my mind racing. it's quite disappointing to me that my mind is so played out that it only races about one topic - er, person - each morning. sit with my burning charcoals and try to discipline myself to stop obsessing. read a mindless book - get lost in the fiction of someone else's life. read about finding peace, about buddhism, about thich nhat hahn. make coffee. sip it in bed. go to the computer. blog (see?). read old emails exchanged with darkwing. cry........................cry...............................cry. warm up my coffee. cry. reassure ashby i'm fine as he sits at my feet with concern. pull it together. finish blogging. go hiking. curse the altitude and my lack of being in shape. take moments to enjoy the beautiful landscape (and catch my breath). breathe. be mindful (one step, two steps). go to yoga. breathe. push constant thoughts of darkwing from my head. push to achieve silence in my mind for at least a few minutes a day. come home (funny i refer to this as home). shower. enjoy warm water washing over me. pray it is a baptism to wash away pain (hasnt happened yet, fyi). lots of hot tea. sip it as a time for calm (in true naz form, i have traded one compulsion - bottomless glass of wine anyone? - with another). paint. when i paint, i can usually concentrate only on colors, on textures. sleep. i can sleep now.

grief.

grief is something we all have in common. everyone - at least once in their life - experiences it. we may all have it in common, but grief looks different on each person.

they say there are five stages:

denial

anger

bargaining

depression

acceptance


grief for me is physical. it is constricting. it is palpable. it is a heavy, wet blanket that slows me down. i am a slug.

in the past i have stuck in distraction and denial for far too long, which allowed me to come back to reality only when enough time had passed that i could 'skip' to acceptance. this time that will not work. there is not enough time in all of eternity to allow me to distract long enough to no longer feel what i feel now. i suspect people look at me as weak, as dramatic, as obsessed, as stalled. i guess i may be all of those things. but i know what i've lost. maybe it was never there. maybe it was never reciprocated. maybe darkwing isnt even capable of it. but i believed.

maybe i am better off because i am free to find someone who can be more real, who knows how to love. maybe i will believe that someday.

simple versus easy...

meditation. seems so easy. but that is not the case. it is simple. but it is anything but easy. what a novel idea: simple versus easy. i keep saying i want a simple life. this is accurate. but maybe what i have been striving for is an easy one. im always telling darkwing that he overcomplicates. everyone overcomplicates. and maybe this is because it is easier to do so. maybe simple is just too difficult. im not being too articulate about this. and maybe it is because for the last 90 minutes i have been thrashing my brain to let go of words and feelings and just to be. to be without thought. or maybe because it is such a simple concept, it is not easy to express.

things that are simple, yet not easy - thus oftentimes we choose the complicated path:

simple: give someone a criticism. easy: tell other people the criticism of that person.

simple: follow your heart. easy: follow others' expecatations

simple: maintain long, meaningful friendships. easy: make new friends.

others?

my pile of letters....

dear mom and dad:
im sorry i cannot open up to you. i know you want me to find my happy. im trying. i know you want to know what is going on. but i cant let you in. i just dont want to. we are too different. i know this divide between us grows larger. but i need this space. i need to be lost and sad and wander on my own. you are amazing parents. but you cannot fix this. you cannot fix me. i was so close to everything i ever wanted...and it all slipped away. i need to re-imagine dreams; re-think happiness; re-visit who i am. your rigidity is not conducive to this. you've both had such easy paths. you see me with such rosy glasses. how can you possibly help me. please just let me flail for awhile and trust that i'll come back someday.


dear e:
you are my savior. i found in you a best friend. how lucky i am that you are my sister. you have been trying to pick up the pieces of me for months now. your strength is inspiring. you are inspiring. i hurt that i cannot be a better, stronger sister + friend to you right now. i have so much pain to swallow. it is hard to look beyond the end of my own nose. but i am getting there. please be patient with me. i know you have unending patience for my process. thank you for being my anger when i was too scared to show it. thank you for being my crutch when i could not stand on my own. thank you for trying to protect me. in the end, just thank you for always being there. i would not be here without you being there.


dear mt:
there is this gap. i dont trust myself enough these days to be able to pinpoint the exactness of it. but there is definitely a gap. i feel like i was not a good best friend to you during this very special time in your life. this last year you got to prepare and plan for your merger. i hope you didnt notice, but i was not completely there for you. maybe on the surface, but not deep down. deep down i was jealous. i was sad. i was even a little mad. i feel like you abandoned me when i really needed (need) you. you might not agree with the situation i am (was) in. but i needed my friend. were you angry or hurt because it took so long for me to spill? were you so shocked by my position that you now see me differently? have i hid so much of me from you that you cant imagine how hard this has been for me - both in the good times and the bad? for all times you have been my confidant? did you have some jealousy towards DarkWing because for the first time in our friendship, you came second? i cant imagine that is the case. but i never thought of all the suport i have gotten, that you would have provided the least. i miss my friend.


dear irish james:
my apologies a thousand times over. we were such a terrible match. but nothing changes that you have such a big heart. you are goodness to the core. my wish for you is that you find a way to dissolve your anger. your soul is in such knots, it overshadows your heart. i was so distracted by your lack of peace i kept trying to 'fix' the wrong things. though im forever sorry for being the person i ultimately was with you - i will always be happy that our fucked up path led you to a much brighter one. i hope you find your peace and your place in this world. i just know someday i will feel the warmth in my heart that tells me you have.


dear ty:
you, my dear friend, are one strong woman. i am haunted by the sounds of your muffled tears in my guest room and by the heaviness in my heart as i lay in my room trying to conjure up the words to help you through the most difficult time of your life. i laid there squeezing my eyes tight and praying to god that it wasnt happening: that i never got the phone call, that you never got the phone call, that luke never went in that house.... i sometimes walk by the guest room when the door is closed and remember sitting outside the bedroom, pressing my ear against the door to see if you had fallen asleep, thanking god that you had found at least a moment of rest. and here you are, 18 months later - and you are putting one foot in front of the other. im so proud of you. im so in awe of you. keeping walking, friend. keep walking.


dear "losh":
im sorry i cried when you told me that you and steph were having a baby. that was selfish. i was in a weird place. i'm so happy for you guys, truly. i cant wait to meet, spoil and corrupt my little niece. im throwing the big sister role right out the window and going for super fun aunt.


dear catfish:
thank you. your calmness, your peace, your perspective, your words are constantly running through my head. when im spiraling - i breath and i hear your words. i am searching for the tears of joy. i have found a few. i have found many more ones of sorrow - but i am trying to sit with them and feel them rather than push them away. thank you for not juding. for trusting. for being.

the four noble truths....

i went to my first guided meditation class tonite. the four noble truths of buddhism will become my mantra. i will try to embrace them:

1. Life sucks. You can be sure of it. Things might get good, but they will most definitely suck again. Likely, when you least expect the sucking to ensue. If you can embrace this, you can learn to love the sucky part of life just as much as the non-sucky.

2. Life sucks because we cling to impermanent things. Translation: we make things overcomplicated (where have i heard this before? oh wait, i tell him that daily....)

3. We can overcome the sucky things in life through relieving ourselves of our clinginess to silly things.

4. The eightfold path leads the way to nirvana. more to come on the 8-fold. i mean, it was just one class after all....

a recipe for rebirth

3 weeks away from life as i know it, with so much hope for healing but expectations for nothing...

- yoga often

- meditate more

- practice mindful breathing

- painting what's in my soul

- no alcohol: stop abusing my body + mind

- exercise

- eat well, eat little - be mindful of what goes into my body

- read alot of thich nhat hahn

will all this new-age crap help? i dont know. but i know they are the only tools at hand to let go, move on, live on. do i even believe it is crap? no. i very much believe in all of it. but i'm not yet sure where the line is drawn between distraction and healing....

a positive note: at least i'm content with living. for a while there, i wanted nothing to do with it.

suffering..

'one of the main causes of our suffering is the seed of anger inside of us' - thich nhat hanh

how do i let the seed go? i feel anger, but am not angry. i feel sorry for him. am i repressing anger? am i fooling myself into thinking i am not angry because i am trying to be better, bigger than 'her'?

i want to flush out my anger. it is three-fold.

at him: how could he do this to me? how? why love me if you knew you wouldnt have the balls to do something about it? you hung onto me as a crutch for over a year - until you were able to musted enough strength to walk away. fuck you for dishing me that hurt and then leaving me to deal with it all alone.

at her: how can she possibly still want to be with him? how? i am angry that she has no compassion for him. she told me as much. she told me she has only anger towards him. for the time i've known her - it's always been about her. her way. fuck you for not cherishing what you have.

at me: how could i have been so stupid? how? how could i have invested and risked everything? why can i not accept reality? more importantly, how can i possibly think that i deserve someone so shallow, spineless and conformist? do i even want to be with him or am i just stubborn and prideful?

a letter to fall on deaf ears...

dear loml,

how do you erase me as if i never existed? how do you forge ahead towards an uncertain future? how do you do things for your son only to follow in the footsteps of your parents knowing those footsteps left you with so much confusion and pain? i wonder how you made a decision when never isolating yourself with your choices. how can i recover from the great loss of my great love? how have you managed to quickly fall out of love, never look back? do the constraints of societal rules mean so much to you that you won't let me catch you?

i will never have anger and hate towards you. i may have moments of anger, but they will subside. i know you all too well to let my hurt become anger. i really know you. how can i be angry with someone who holds so much confusion, insecurity and doubt? i might be the only one who really knows you.

you are the only one who really knows me. no shame, no embarassment, nothing but plain me, just as i come. i miss you, loml. things are not whole. the other day you used the reference, 'walking with no legs'. of course, it was not in reference to us. but it is so applicable, no?

you always said, if it is meant to be, it will be. i still believe it is. but you do not. how? how can you possibly not? you both use him as a shroud: a shroud of your fears. yours, to be a deadbeat. hers, to be broken. but all is as we look at it. always.

you said soulmate to me. only me.

you are comfort in the most atypical ways. you love my feet. that is weird. you are weird and i love you. see? it's all meant to be :)

i feel like ive fought my whole life to not be a cliche: not the dumb blonde; not the greedy american; not the careless colleague; not the midwestern housewife; not the girly girl;

you loved all those things and in one fell swoop erased everything and left me as the most raped cliche of all.

im struggling to find meaning; to trust myself; to breathe.

do you have trouble breathing? somehow i doubt it....

habibti, i hope you find your way home.

music to pick up your mood

i have a few suggested tunes - even if it is only for a few minutes...it will cheer you up.

atlas sound walkabout. Deerhunter - Panda Bear collaboration gets a thumbs up by me for at the very least getting my toes tapping http://myoldkyhome.blogspot.com/2009/07/new-song-atlas-sound-walkabout-ft-panda.html

speech debelle ft. micachu better days. She just won the mercury music award for good reason.

http://www.spinner.com/2009/08/20/speech-debelle-better-days-revox-feat-wiley-free-mp3-of-t/

the xx crystalised. where has this band been all my life. http://www.myspace.com/thexx

and maybe for good measure, the mars volta. doesnt really matter what song, as long as you can visualize Cedric pole dancing with his mic stand. saw a recent show and it was enertaining to say the least.

im searching

i've decided to take a 3-week hiatus from my life. i packed up my car and headed west. upon my departure, a friend encouraged me to 'find my tears of joy'. i did just that, in the smallest of ways:

driving from cimarron to taos, new mexico - there was a fleeting moment where i looked around as my car swiftly tackled the curving roads...and all i could see were mountains and fields. all i could hear was the most perfect song that the radio could have granted me: kid cudi's pursuit of happiness. http://prettymuchamazing.com/music/kid-cudi-pursuit-of-happiness-ft-mgmt-ratatat

but i must emphasize - the moment has passed. and now i sit in this perfectly serene, quiet mountain town...and find myself more lonely than ever.

i feel forgotten and dismissed.

how do i sit with my 'burning charcoals' and not get burned?

how do i swallow pain and pride to find peace?

how do i accept defeat, rejection, loss and lies with grace?

how do i let go when i dont want to?

i wish someone out there had all the answers....