if im being honest

there's this common thread of my self-loathing. and its the constant wonder in my mind of what's wrong with me that i am never the one he chooses. and the 'he'? the 'he' is alot of people.

chris - my dearest friend who may be the most distant close friend i've ever had. and we started off as best friends, who got blurry because we wanted more, but he had a long-distance girlfriend - and in the end...wanted her and not me. so our friendship was strained because i made it so, because i had to lick the bruised ego of not being better in his eyes. jen was his choice.

adam - my first sort-of adult relationship....in retrospect i had too much insecurity to really be myself with him, so i tried to reflect as much of him as i could in myself. though this immaturity would have proven to be our demise someday - someday never came, because when he came back from his time abroad and we sat at the spring street house to exchange christmas gifts, he let me know he had been cheating on me and wanted to be with this girl: christine.

leland - my first love. hands down. again, hindsight is 20/20 - it would have never lasted. but this was the relationship when i walked around in awe that this boy - this hot, sexy, quirky, artist, skateboarding, music-loving, football-fanatic boy - was in to me. really in to me. until he decided to get back together with his old girlfriend. ashley was a better fit for him.

aric - my montana project to say the least. but in the end - i was a sort of trophy for him. young, blonde and smart. but no quicker than i would leave the room would he be prowling for a new her. it was always the reminder that our relationship didnt compare with his previous one: molly.

shamus - moral to a fault, this boy would never have cheated on me. at least not in the traditional definition of the word. but he made no qualms about reminding me of my faults...so maybe in this one case i cant put a woman's name next to why i wasn't 'better'....but i was reminded nonetheless.

david - he was the culmination of the best friend i have in chris, the adoration i got from leland, the everything that wasn't there before. this was the reminder that i was perfect for someone....perfect for him. except i wasn't. i wasn't better. i wasn't mandy.

so - in this moment of feeling a bit forgotten - i am in a qwandry. i've been cheated on, ive cheated, ive played it by the book, ive been the other woman, ive been nice, ive been mean....and in the end...i still am not the one for anyone. so i guess sometimes i just have a bit of a hard time talking myself out of the self-pity. i just have a bit of a hard time finding the answer to why im never enough for apparently any man. because i realize - everything else is gravy. it's like i am playing the life role of the fat girl that everyone just wants to be friends with. but no let me in on the joke.