taos is my hut

i am reminded of something i read by thich nhat hahn:

"There was a friend who suffered so much he had to drop out of society and go to a meditation center. Since the Buddhist temple is a place of compassion, they welcomed him...How long, how many days, how many years did he need to cry? We don't know. But finally he took refuge in the meditation center and did not want to go back to society. He thought he had found some peace, but one day I myself came and burned his meditation hut. In his understanding, he had nothing else outside of the hut. He had nowhere to go becasue society was not his."

ive made a big deal about leaving. or about him leaving. but if i am being real with myself - it is just my insecurity that i am not in my hut. taos was my hut. it was my freedom to walk around. to smile. to be no one. to be anyone. no one there to judge. no one there to hate. just me. to be me. or not to be me. that is the point.

so maybe it is not so much i have moved backwards since then as i have just learned the hard lesson that my hut was burned down - and i have to face life. all is simple when it is just self. but life is never just about self. it is always about interbeing. none of exists without the validation of others.

taos was my hut.

but this is my life. and nothing is going to be perfect.

so maybe i just need to get over the fact that he doesnt think that i am.