...is the title of a drawing.
when it was given to me - i was told it represented me: the side of me that everyone gets to see; and then the side of me that very few know. i think maybe now - it takes on a deeper meaning. it may be the two sides of myself. but i think it is the two sides of the hand that drew it.
i would post the drawing. but it is mine. and i dont want to share it on my cyberpaper. it will remain for my eyes only - just as the hidden side of myself will remain for myself only.
the irony is the day i was given the drawing - it was about a profession of someone knowing my soul. and exactly one year later to the day - it became about the reveal of that someone's soul.
i think as i peel the layers - i am past shock. but it has revealed a very, very, very deep pain. i dont know how to heal it. i dont know how to kill hope or love or compassion. those are the very things that keep me going yet the very things that hold me back.
e has the same pains. the same tortured soul over loss. the same bruised ego of not being the chosen. it brings me more pain to have no words to console her than to sit alone in my tears and feel forgotten by the world. but how can i give her any words without being a complete and utter hypocrite? how can i tell her it will all be fine, she will be better off, he is missing out...when i wont let those words sink in when said to me.
i just want to move. i just want to go away. i just want to be a different. i just want to stop wishing. i just want one day without tears. and i hold the key for all those things. but i cant find it.
you said you would never look through me. i listen to you say it often. it is forever saved in time. yet, you look through me every time your eyes fall in my direction.
this is not how it was supposed to be. life, that is. not like this.
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