still on empty

i know why i am losing it.

besides the obvious - it is because i am a highly functioning depressed person. i was told a year ago that my knack for dissociation would allow me to remain highly functional while being deeply depressed....and true. it is a very weird feeling to have enough logic to realize that i am supremely depressed - but simultaneously be too depressed to do anything about it, even though i realize it may allow me to do something(s) illogical. i think crazytown is only blissful if you dont realize you are a resident...when you know you are there - it aint so much bliss as it is torture.

i have a mild panic attack at the same time every day. triggered by the same thing every day. but because somehow the one trait i have seemed to master in my lifetime is comparmentalization - i can hide it away until i myself am hidden away and can express it.

i know i am a master at hiding. because people say things to me that they never would if they knew my real thoughts.

i remember when jiddi died...i found it profoundly captivating that i never saw sitti with dry eyes for at least a year afterwards...likely longer. i couldnt understand it. even when she smiled her eyes were still red with tears. as if her loss had stained her soul, had stained her eyes, had stained her happy... i understand it now. and i can find a tiny bit of happy knowing that her mind is lost, but her happy may be found.

who would know that i barely sleep - still not having broken the habit of looking at my phone every twilight hour, that i have a meltdown each night crying out to ears that cant hear, that i love driving to meetings alone because i know i dont have to hold in the sad, that i cry so often that not an evening hour passes when my eyes are dry, that i feel so sick to my stomach for most days that i cant decipher whether i need to shit, puke, eat or sleep.

no one knows. because i am a master of hiding.

i feel like my soul had more to live.