minor revelation....

sitting at the edge of the red river yesterday, dangling my toes in the (freezing!) water, and writing....thinking....observing.....I came to a minor point of enlightenment.

all along i have been struggling on how not to believe what i believe, telling myself i must learn to unhinge everything i hold as truth with regards to darkwing. what i realized, is this is not the case. i can hold my beliefs, but i need to learn to reconcile my beliefs with his actions and to move on with my life. my beliefs are so ingrained in me - if i let them go - i will compromise a huge part of my soul. however, if i continue to hold on to them as hope, i will ruin myself.

in efforts to recognize my beliefs and let them go as my mantras for living, i'm listing them below. maybe by putting those very words that torture my thoughts on (cyber)paper, i can purge myself of the shackles they have me in:

i believe that you loved me. i read and listened to old voicemails and emails. there is so much passion and feeling there - you cannot fake or lie about that.

i believe you have talked yourself out of loving me.

i believe you love her, as a friend.

i believe you will eventually divorce.

i believe you will stay together - you have the model for a 'working relationship' and she is afraid of alone. (yes, i know this one is contradictory...they're my beliefs people - i'm not claiming rationality)

i believe i have to let go of you even though i dont want to.

i believe us, apart, is a huge mistake.

i believe guilt is a small price to pay for happiness (yes, i may have heard this quoted on Desparate Housewives...insert jokes here)

i believe it is selfish to purposely only have one child. (this may seem like left field - see disclaimer under Belief #5)

i believe you miss me, but effectively operate out of sight, out of mind.

i believe you think i am better off (ok, so there might be more than one person out there who thinks this...maybe one day i will be part of that group)

i believe she scared you into staying (at least partially) by using him as leverage: threatening you could never bring him around me; threatening that you could only see him every other weekend.

(contradictory thought #2) i believe she and i are both better off without you.

i believe (now) that i can get through. i know i will never get over.

some things in life are irreparable.