dear loml,
how do you erase me as if i never existed? how do you forge ahead towards an uncertain future? how do you do things for your son only to follow in the footsteps of your parents knowing those footsteps left you with so much confusion and pain? i wonder how you made a decision when never isolating yourself with your choices. how can i recover from the great loss of my great love? how have you managed to quickly fall out of love, never look back? do the constraints of societal rules mean so much to you that you won't let me catch you?
i will never have anger and hate towards you. i may have moments of anger, but they will subside. i know you all too well to let my hurt become anger. i really know you. how can i be angry with someone who holds so much confusion, insecurity and doubt? i might be the only one who really knows you.
you are the only one who really knows me. no shame, no embarassment, nothing but plain me, just as i come. i miss you, loml. things are not whole. the other day you used the reference, 'walking with no legs'. of course, it was not in reference to us. but it is so applicable, no?
you always said, if it is meant to be, it will be. i still believe it is. but you do not. how? how can you possibly not? you both use him as a shroud: a shroud of your fears. yours, to be a deadbeat. hers, to be broken. but all is as we look at it. always.
you said soulmate to me. only me.
you are comfort in the most atypical ways. you love my feet. that is weird. you are weird and i love you. see? it's all meant to be :)
i feel like ive fought my whole life to not be a cliche: not the dumb blonde; not the greedy american; not the careless colleague; not the midwestern housewife; not the girly girl;
you loved all those things and in one fell swoop erased everything and left me as the most raped cliche of all.
im struggling to find meaning; to trust myself; to breathe.
do you have trouble breathing? somehow i doubt it....
habibti, i hope you find your way home.
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