suffering..

'one of the main causes of our suffering is the seed of anger inside of us' - thich nhat hanh

how do i let the seed go? i feel anger, but am not angry. i feel sorry for him. am i repressing anger? am i fooling myself into thinking i am not angry because i am trying to be better, bigger than 'her'?

i want to flush out my anger. it is three-fold.

at him: how could he do this to me? how? why love me if you knew you wouldnt have the balls to do something about it? you hung onto me as a crutch for over a year - until you were able to musted enough strength to walk away. fuck you for dishing me that hurt and then leaving me to deal with it all alone.

at her: how can she possibly still want to be with him? how? i am angry that she has no compassion for him. she told me as much. she told me she has only anger towards him. for the time i've known her - it's always been about her. her way. fuck you for not cherishing what you have.

at me: how could i have been so stupid? how? how could i have invested and risked everything? why can i not accept reality? more importantly, how can i possibly think that i deserve someone so shallow, spineless and conformist? do i even want to be with him or am i just stubborn and prideful?