je ne sais quois

i dont know that i have words right now. but i am distraught. i am tired. i have been crying for so many hours my body, my mind are both numb. i know it is all that should happen. i know this is the way things have to be. but i am so sad. i am sobbing. ashby thinks i am insane. i have thought about a million things. writing to mt to tell her how disappointed i am she turned away. writing chill to tell her not to take my absence as dislike. quitting. all i want to do is quit everything. i dont want to work. i dont want to live. who am i? who is this miserable human? i think i might be an alcholic. i think i might be an addict to pain and suffering. this house has absorbed so many cries of pain...it must be spilling over. i laid on the bathroom floor today. and i wondered about things as different. things as past, present and future. so this is my confession:

my equation for hatred for that bitch, who i can not use nor read her name, is 95% jealousy and only 5% real feeling. she may have been rude to me the first time i met her; cold everytime there after; rude at the bbq when i was trying so hard to reach out; bitchy at the winery. but in the end, she can be a miserable human - but i am the one that did wrong by her.

my hatred for him is grown out of hurt. it is 95% rejection and 5% real feeling. i feel inadequate. as a partner. as a woman. as a person. there is something wrong with me that everyone sees and i cannot. i beg you, god, as i sit her and cry out...just tell me. i dont like being the only one who cannot see.

i deserve nothing and i know it. i am not worthy of love, much less like. i have known for a very long time that i am just different. i always have been on the outskirts of everything - so this should not be a surprise. i just caught up in the feeling of NOT being singular...and a lifetime of longing for that feeling swept me away.

i know everyone is better off without me, especially him. it is not that he defines me. it is not that he is my world. it is that he completes me. and im tired of partially living. so me giving up is not bc of him - it is just bc of me.