the monolith breaks.

such a sense of security, those things we consider monoliths. and then they crack. and show weakness. and show vulnerability. and we are already standing on top. and the weakness is scary. it means we have built a base on sand, not on stone as we thought. fucking SAND. no foundation does well on sand. so thus, the end is nearer than we bargained for because the sand is going to take it all. everything we built and fought for is going to be enveloped in a million grains of erasure...with nothing to be left. that is what the memory will be: nothing. that is what tomorrow will know: nothing. as final as death and as painful as life.

dp you wonder how it got to be this. so much everything and so much nothing?

do you wonder if it can be undone when nothing feel reversible?

i feel like there is so much to offer and simultaneously not a shred left.

death is actually more palatable. ive come to that one singular conclusion. it is final. and that loss is acceptable. because it is final so says the world. so says god. but a living choice always has the potential to be undone. and thus, i always hold on to the hope of what could be. even though no one else does. and in the end, i suppose i dont really either. i just like the idea of being a romantic. even though i dont think there is any left in me. i am cultivating the idea of being the wierd old chick in movies and books...the one no one can figure out...the one that doesnt seem like she should be alone, but is. the one that seems like she could have had it all, but doesn't. i know it is up to me. i know i am the only one to change the future. but listen, world. ive chosen. and i dont want to choose again. i put every last energy into something that dissolved. i put every last effort into a force that wanted nothing to do with me. so - yes, does rational me understand that i am the only one to change my being? my path? my outlook? YES. i get it. But does rational you understand i have no will to live without the partner i risked it all for? does rational you have the parallel experience of being a singular person, standing alone...for days, weeks, months and years ALONE? yes...i didnt think so. so fuck you, you rational, sane people. you havent faced the bottom. so dont tell me you know the path to the top.