100.

this is my 100th post.
as i review these tiny words of the past in black and white, they are no less precious to me than a milliom pieces of my soul scattered about for common consupmtion.
these words equate pieces of dust that disappear into the wind just as the love behind them must also disappear with no trace. i will succumb to the fact that there are three moments of great irony and happiness buried deep below the tortuous layers of pain in which i am so laboriously tangled within:

1. i found great love. and i tried my hardest to hold on to it. for this i can feel proud because i was able to escape the traps that most fall in to: the deceit that comfort and companionship is love or the trap of blindness and fear in not being able to seize the moment when great love enters your life.

2. i experienced some of the most passionate, loving, earth-moving moments that i ever have, and likely ever will, in my life. for this i can feel proud because on the few occasions i have recounted my love to others - they have looked at me with complete awe and bewilderment. their not being able to relate to the depth of my love, proves to me this was great love.

3. i have taught myself that i do know what unconditional means in a romantic sense - separate from unconditional in the familial sense. for this my heart feels less blackened. i will love this man for the rest of my life and likely will carry parts of him in my soul for all my lives to come. while my pride my ego and my heart may never be mended, at least i can rest knowing not being loved in this life was not because i didn't know how or wasn't willing to learn.

i know these words lay hidden from all and really lay no more exposed than those thoughts in my head that i share with no one. but i hope that someday, when i am gone, everyone that crossed my path in life can know that though i lived with so much pain and unhappiness (all of my own doing, of course)...i did experience truly happy moments that i wouldn't give up for the world.