noun. verb.

i think of two things constnty: a noun. a verb.
today i ponder the verb.
would it be so difficult? scarily, i think not. i try to think through the ramifications. i also try to think of the impetus for it. i often think back to a conversation with, or more so in observance of, my parents. i can picture the exact moment: my dad was on a tangent of how selfish verb was. how could anyone? my mom agreed but at least conceded depression can make people act out...

ramifications:
my parents would be sad
erin would be devastated and so angry. could i put her through this? especially after what she has already been made to endure?
josh and steph would be fine. no change to their lives.
lilly would never know the difference.
sadly, there is no one else to consider. sadly, there is no one else to be affected.

impetus(es) impeti?
i am devastated. i cannot endure constant sadness. can anyone? everything is too much. too much sad. too much lonely. too much lost. too much fear. too much heartbreak. too much shame.

i cannot see the future. any future. nor do i have the will to look harder.

all the things i used to think i wanted out of life....i have lost desire for.

i have been asked by the lofe of my life to go away. i feel there is but one way to honor this bc i know myself and i know my inability to let go. it took 10 years for me to let stacy go after she died. it took me 4 years to understand leland was not right for me. it took me 15 years not to cry on the anniversary of jiddis death (which also coincides with the last day my love touched me). i can only go away in one way.

im less scared of verb than of not.

the last hurdle to swallow is that he wont have the balls to come for the final goodbye; that that bitch who i hate more than life will find pleasure in my pain and in the permanence of my solution as she has stated repeatedly; that i would leave erin alone; that i will be gossiped about.

i think i can take it.

verb.