what happened to present.

ihad a very weird dream last night. and the night before. and these dreams have haunted my waking hours. i think they have made me realize that i no longer have daydreams and hopes, only living nightmares and endless despair. these shadows have erased my future hopes. for almost all of my life since i can remember, i lived with hopes of the future - to the point of really only living for the future. and then, for one brief and fleeting moment, one short period of time i had the overwhelming feeling that the future had come. but in the blink of an eye - that feeling had fled. and now i am stuck longing for what has past. i have missed living in the present. and now, i have no desire for the future. i lived for the future. i long for the past. i loathe the present. it actually doesn't even feel like that moment of present ever existed. it doesnt feel real. its fading in my memory and i think it is because it wasn't ever real to begin with.

i can feel my feelings waning. and it breaks my heart. they wane because they are dying. they are being killed and i am killing them. i have no choice. it is scary. because once i let the feelings die...i am all alone again. and not in the sense of lonely body. in the sense of lonely soul. they wane because loml sleeps with another woman. they wane because i am embarassed that i have ruined my life and soul for someone so selfish. they wane because i am embarassed of the person i 'lose' to. i never thought of it as a tug of war until i was told it was one....and that i was going to lose.

i am really scared. i am really, really terrified.

but self, again, if you are listening - you have to set the ball in motion. he's not coming for you. not now. and not ever. i know it makes you cry. i know it is hard to hear. quiet your sobbing. it will be ok. ok - it wont. but you know in your soul he isnt coming for you. you will never look out your window and see him standing there for you. he is never going to wipe your tears. he's had years to change his path. and if he had done it when he should have - you both would be so much happier. you know it. but he does not. self, muffle the cries. no one can hear them so they are nothing but paralysis. put.it.in.motion. you have to give up. sweet girl, give. up. you got your lessons very early in life - that things life wasn't fair. please, self, you know it. he.never.loved.you.ever.never. let him go. look through. you said it yourself, you barely remember that time anymore. it seems like another world. it was. it wasn't. it always will be. it never was.